Thoughts of a minibus traveller

Night is fitful, dreams, heat, fan, then cold and back stiffening. Wake up though to stretch and go through the day.  Body though feels tired, like the mind now. One performance to get done and my mind is focused on it.  I try to do the yoga which normally relaxes and energises. It doesn't work. I have to stop as I can't seem to get into the postures. Mind is on the performance. I come off the bus and decide to walk, though I feel like I am shuffling. I try to keep body erect at least.  I realise I am making mistakes during the performance as the past catches up with the present. The time is short and I can go through things. Come back.. the tea doesn't help either. The black cloud which promises rain but delivers nothing hovers. I am thinking of all the things to done. I want to quit the other thing which brings in some income. I realise that this exhaustion might be temporary. I keep moving. Some of the other simple tasks are not happening. I want to fee...

Dear mango.. Thank you for being there, random gift from the tree which was supposed to have finished its season. I needed the comfort and the sweetness which might not be as toxic as other sweetness. I thought it best to do the blog again , instead of the draft messages to try to compose to real people. I was shut down twice already by nice people who asked how I was doing.. one went into prescription and a rush of nice talks which were well meaning, and another realised that my stumbling over trying to be honest without seeming heavy was too much for the early morning. So mango, I know you will not judge me.  I came to you after doing the yoga routine which I thought I would not do today. The back started hurting again at the end of the routine as I thought of what had brought me to the yoga. The two incidents which flared up and which caught me off guard .. well there is no more guard really, not like thirty years ago when the guard was the hope that one day I would be ...

Sunday morning and the Yahoo videos are playing.  I don't normally watch the videos but there is something about the faces of the two women. It seems they are sometimes scared and nervous about smiling. Their hands are stiff on their legs, like if they want to embrace themselves. The bodies are exposed. I don't watch boxing.. though the Facebook feed is full of the people , nice people who watched the boxing. A woman tells me that she heard that her abusive ex had abused another woman and was in a relationship again with a woman who was troubled. It seems no point to remind the people who celebrating Mayweather that they are celebrating his violence against women .     The two women stand up. I don't have on the audio. Something is not right. .I want to tell them, go go, you don't have to be there. How much money are you getting to stand there and look uncomfortable? Ansa McAl introduced sexist alcohol advertising to Guyana.. it was vicious. The Real Men ad...

Dear back pain... There is something about you now which is constant and always there, reminder of the body which I neglected while trying to deal with the mind. I know that the bad coping strategies to deal with the mental health would result in physical damage. I wish I did not have to deal with you and with the mental health issues. You are deceptive.. sometimes I can forget that you are there as I try to deal with other things.. and then when I move or try to bend and you come back and remind me that you are there. You are there when I sit, stand, walk, lie down, move, not move.. there just is no getting rid of you. I know that the tingling in the toes and the heel are related to you.. that the muscles and the nerves are out of sync. It is bad enough having to deal with parting dark clouds while also trying to practice mindful bending and sitting and standing and walking to see if those things are creating the problem While the mind though can provide distraction fro...

I have to buy stuff in the market and my mind is not focused. If you are not present, the sellers slip in the bad stuff. I didn't watch and then one of the five tangerines for $200 is not good, one of the five passion fruit for $200 is not good. I did not feel each one or examine before throwing in the bag. The pineapple though turned out okay. Mind is on the back pain.. weight has to be lost as a first step to dealing with the pain. So much loss this year.. and trying to adapt to things.. ability to do things quickly, nothing new learned.. but weight gained as a way of struggling to cope with the loss.  Trying to imagine how I would cook differently.. as the logistics of cooking differently are not so easy. Everything has to started new, I can't go back to the past. I see sweet potato and agonise over whether to buy it.. I can't see myself peeling and cooking as that requires focus and energy which I can't seem to find. I look at the pumpkin.. what would I...

Night is humid and I wake up sweating when I wish I could just sleep deep forever. Get up to sort out windows, fan. Small moth flies in the net. I am too tired to chase it out the net.. it is not a mosquito or a cockroach. Night is fitful.. have to switch speed on fan, then turn it off.. Sleep comes sometimes.. and I start thinking of the things I will do when I wake up. Night cools down a bit. Moth sits on the same place in the net. I envy the moth, it seems to be asleep. 5am and I am up, relieved the night is over . Moth is still there. Time to get up. I move the net and start shaking it a bit.. lying on the bed and hoping the moth would fly out. I feel a breeze on my the side of my palm. The moth is on my hand. It is not a mosquito , which I could slap.. or a cockroach to chase away and go and run and wash my hands. I lie down and move my hand and the moth walks across the palm. It is a nice few minutes.. I forget everything else and look at the moth.  I turn...

Dear sleep.. You have abandoned me for about five nights now.  I thought I was doing everything right and trying to understand what was happening. Night 1 I know was about the anxiety.. that even though I did the yoga and so and relaxed, I just kept tossing and turning and waiting for alarm to ring. Funny though there was an energy as a surprise late night caller said I sounded better than the last time even though I was tired as hell. Night two .. I hoped to embrace you again.. I knew new bed, nice comfortable bed and nice cool room. But new bed and I ate the damned spicy food late. I thought though that i would just drop off with the fatigue of the day.. I walked a lot and so. But oh no..you touched me a bit.. then moved off.. leaving dreams which had me in and out of the shallow sleep.. and trying to fiddle with the AC.. but I woke up feeling worse but still managed to get through the day.. Night three.. I said.. right.. let me walk, take the hot drink, no caffeine.. did...

Dear tumeric flower.. You were completely unexpected in the week much like the 'I love you' from the loved one who has been shunning me and who is afraid of me,  and the meeting with two amazing men ,  the termites which appeared suddenly and the other things. The heat is crazy.. a man told me that he installed an AC in his room and that helped his mood a lot. It is difficult to adapt and adjust to so many things at one time, and everything seems sudden. It is the first time you have appeared since the plant has been in the pot. I have not checked the roots and I imagine there is useful tumeric there for healing.. but somehow the energy to clean and peel is not there. Tumeric is supposed to be good for the stiffness all over.. and I wonder if you are a reminder that drastic changes have to be made not so much for the physical activity, but the mental thoughts which tighten the body including now down to the fingers. You have appeared as the other plants around you...

Hot afternoon and place not so busy and everybody probably a lil sleepy. Jump in a bus.. no conductor. Plenty bus driving without conductor.. maybe economic times.. so every now and I then I have to chip and sling the door .. or be malicious and go and sit in the back seat and wait for somebody else to chip and sling the door. Driver is a oldish man.. spectacles, cap.. serious looking.  I say Good Afternoon and a few people reply. Not the driver though or maybe he said and I didn't hear. We move off.  Bus is quiet. No music playing. No radio either.. some of the older drivers have their radio and so.. I had told a driver to keep the $20 change from the $100 because he had nice oldies. Some car men I know listen to Freedom Radio. Bus is quiet. Place is quiet. It seem nice to meditate. Bus is moving at nice pace. Every now and then passenger would quietly call for their stop. Door open. Passengesr jump out. People come in. Quiet good afternoon. Nice.. this is what Guy...

Nice woman sends a message 'How are you doing?" . I agonise over what to write in reply - I could be brief.. 'I am happy'.. or write honestly which could open a  back and forth conversation.. it is a facebook message and I agonise for a long time over what to text because it is difficult to actually write stuff .. seeming cheerful while trying to be honest. It is a confusing set of words. Woman replies with a brief prescription . I feel foolish. I know I should not have bothered her . I know she has her own problems. I do a cheerful thing rejecting the prescription. On the phone a woman asks 'What is wrong with you .. I don't understand'.. she keeps pressuring .. and projecting  her own problems. I know she has problems and I feel guilty. I can't say anything because it would seem foolish as her problems are bigger than my problems. And it is human to get into comparisons. I had called for a laugh really . I feel foolish and guilty and as though I...