Is someone always ready to listen?
Woman replies with a brief prescription . I feel foolish. I know I should not have bothered her . I know she has her own problems. I do a cheerful thing rejecting the prescription.
On the phone a woman asks 'What is wrong with you .. I don't understand'.. she keeps pressuring .. and projecting her own problems. I know she has problems and I feel guilty. I can't say anything because it would seem foolish as her problems are bigger than my problems. And it is human to get into comparisons. I had called for a laugh really . I feel foolish and guilty and as though I am a bad person for making her feel bad about me not telling her what is wrong with me.
A loved one who said thanks for listening and who used to call at any time in the night says I can do the same. I know it is not possible. One day I pour my head out.. it sounds stupid and I realise the loved one can't deal with it. I don't hear back anything . I feel foolish. I get angry at myself. The anger surfaces in a random conversation and shuts down everything. I ask to meet face to face so we could talk.. better to do that.. no response. I feel even more foolish and stupid for making myself vulnerable. When people ask 'How are you' , I make sure that I am careful how I respond so that there is a polite thing which is not dishonest. Some people are shocked if I am honest and I then feel stupid about it and then have to explain myself and then things get more and more stupid.
I see a lot of people posting things about 'someone is always willing to listen'. Well meaning people, and people who would probably do all they could to help people in a crisis. I try to explain.. don't post things like that unless you know there is a good listener.
A few people who have told me that I have been a good listener, others have been angry with me when I explained that I could not listen to them. I learned some things during training to be a volunteer counselor. Here are some of the things I do when I try to listen to people who are experiencing difficulties.
Listening mode
I put myself into a listening mode which means I can focus on the person talking to me and not be worried about other things. If I can't listen , I offer to contact them at another time. I avoid 'text and typing ' as I am not good at it, and have offered to call cell phones so people can talk easily and freer. Expectations sometimes have to be stated.
One or two people feel more comfortable texting. Empathy is key. It is not always easy especially if the person feels ashamed of what they are talking about.
Prepare to hear anything
We have our images of people and how they are and how they ought to be.So prepare to hear anything . People who look good and who seem to feel good have things on their mind.. experiences. A smart person might talk about hearing voices or having strange dreams. A brave woman talked to me while the abortion medication was doing its work and she was in pain and bleeding. And alone. I remember panicking that something would go wrong.. or that the pills were not working. I remember wanting to cuss the man who had abandoned her but that was not what she wanted. Some people who used to talk to me a lot have eased off after they realised that I am not always fun and laughs and could be dreary and boring and so on.
No prescriptions or cures or solutions
It is so easy in our desires to offer prescription. "Pray and it will help.. it helped me", "Go and run or exercise", "lef de flipping man/woman/parents/wuk/organisation", "tek lil weed', "go and see a therapist - i aint know ,, dey mussee have someone some way". I wouldn't give advice or share any personal experience unless I am asked to do so. One man was upset me with me because he thought I had similar mental health issues to his and he thought I was not sharing my secrets with him. We talked through and he realised that his issues were different and required different treatment. ; No "Take charge of your life" or any of those statements which reinforce the feelings of failure.
There is no need for the listener to find solutions and talk them through.
Validation of feelings
Somethings sound stupid.. I know I sound stupid when I talk about some of the things which bother me and which are different from other things which bother other people. The fear of sounding stupid would stop people from talking. It is difficult to explain how making a simple phone call would take energy , or how conversations about what to cook could be difficult. I imagine that people would wander what I am talking about when I say that I felt like crying after a particular yoga posture because I was determined to get into the posture and then felt like crap after because I had to struggle instead of doing it easily like before. Or that as I watch the blight take over some trees I realise that I can't seem to use the privilege I have to grow things. Validation of the feelings means acknowledging the fear, the uncertainty, the process of getting through difficult times.. for some longer than others. I have held off on talking to one woman because I know in meaning well, she expects me to fix things rather than be in a rut. One time I was angry mostly at myself which transferred to someone who did not understand what was going on because I could not explain because I was angry. It messed things up.. some listeners have to help channel anger and rage and not be repelled by it. No listener should be exposed to harm, and anger is no excuse for harm.
Affirmations
I offer affirmations if I know the person well. I am careful though, as the affirmations have to be about the present rather than the past. 'You used to be.. ' could trigger feelings of failure. And not 'God loves you'.
Encouraging
Some people learn ways of having a conversation to encourage someone to talk and talk. Open ended questions, reflection, clarifying, challenging sometimes.. but always with a focus not on shutting up someone who is dealing with problems, but on keeping the tap open. Sometimes it would be boring and never ending and tedious and the best listeners would have to know how to gently end a conversation if they can't handle any more and to be honest about not being able to cope.
Confidentiality
I remember after pouring my head out to the loved one.. saying... "i hope you can keep this confidential but I know I shouldn't expect anything of you' .. it is awkward. I do not offer confidentiality to anyone because if they tell me things I need to involve others in, I will do so. I can explain that. Some people will say up front. no no , is nutting like dat.
Power
I am conscious of how some persons shifted in their attitudes as I opened up about managing mental health issues. I use 'manage mental health issues' as a way of stating I am in control when often, I am sometimes have a lot of difficulty with controlling thoughts and with motivation etc. I know when listening that there is a temporary imbalance in 'power'.. that the listener has more 'power' than the person who is talking. So it is important to restore the power, to equalise the relationship. I remember listening to a woman who was making decisions about ending an abusive relationship. She had made all her own decisions in life but this one was tough because of society, etc. She laughed at the end of the session as she told me about rewinding motors and how to make fudge.
Other helping
A man I didn't know very well texted me late an evening about work stuff. I told him I was not feeling good and could not deal with it then. He replied to ask "what could I do to help?". I had no clue at that point as I was trying to relax and sleep but that offer remains in my head. There are other things.. finding resources, offering to go with someone to check out medical issues, sitting next to someone and saying nothing and just being present.
It is good to ask though, rather than assume. Some people might feel ashamed of taking help in the first instance, and might ask later. I try to offer help without imposing any obligation on the person who is helping me. I am also reluctant to take help from many people because I do not want to feel obliged to them.
Following up
The day after I poured my head out I felt foolish as though I should not have done anything because I might have changed the kind of connection I had. I remember feeling foolish when I did not get any follow up and thinking oh hell, I really messed up and I should have shut my mouth. I usually text, or email or find a way to check in with people to see how things are going.. in a non-intrusive way. Simple, How are things now ?
There are books written about counselling and listening and other activities related to healing and wellness. I believe good listening is one part of helping people who are experiencing temporary problems. Listening I think has to be learned and be practiced consciously
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