Dear mango..

Dear mango..
Thank you for being there, random gift from the tree which was supposed to have finished its season. I needed the comfort and the sweetness which might not be as toxic as other sweetness.

I thought it best to do the blog again , instead of the draft messages to try to compose to real people. I was shut down twice already by nice people who asked how I was doing.. one went into prescription and a rush of nice talks which were well meaning, and another realised that my stumbling over trying to be honest without seeming heavy was too much for the early morning.

So mango, I know you will not judge me.  I came to you after doing the yoga routine which I thought I would not do today. The back started hurting again at the end of the routine as I thought of what had brought me to the yoga. The two incidents which flared up and which caught me off guard .. well there is no more guard really, not like thirty years ago when the guard was the hope that one day I would be far away and get away and not have to deal with the issues which flared up.

So I felt the cave in .. the collapse. It was scary as I could not seem to control it but I was able to move and find back some balance and then go off to attend to the work stuff. The collapse though intensified the pains.. and I knew mango, that I had to find a way to stretch out.. knowing though.. it is strange that I can't really stretch out because part remains tense and on alert for the next reminder of the thing which I have not escaped.

So mango, I am glad I did not give up and try to just go and indulge in cake and chocolate and sweet drinks.  There was this urge because I was reminded that in the end, the things I thought I could manage I am not managing. I had the intense desire to talk to people who used to be close but as with the sweet and the cake, I held back. Holding back is also painful.

I am glad I wrote no messages to reach out to nice people who would not know what to say and further loosen the already loosened connections. I am glad that as I stretched out and realised that I knew that some of the tensions came from knowing that there is no bouncing back, just a kind of moving on and knowing though that there is a kind of erosion going on.. but perhaps there is a lot of stuff to erode.

I am glad that I could attend to the unpaid work stuff which came up suddenly even though I had felt like cancelling or postponing everything. I had to say no to something which I should have quickly said yes to.

I ate you slowly. I know I should also breathe slowly, and also not be anxious about things.

That will probably come later. Or not.