"faith is an action word" Notes from the conversation about faith, spirituality and healing

 

Participants joined the domestic violence conversation on 27 May 2021 to discuss faith, spirituality and healing.  This conversation was held one year to the day since the first one on 28 May, 2020. 

The conversation was led by Beverly Braithwaite-Chan and facilitated by Carlotta Boodie-Walcott. 

These notes reflect some of the discussion and sharing which took place in the space. Some persons felt the space was safe enough to share their experiences - some for the first time. 

There was time and energy given to work through the pain.

One woman shared a poem she wrote to reflect on her own experience of surviving domestic violence.

Faith is an action  word

Beverly shared the following thoughts to catalyse the discussion

• "faith" is about connection to an external deity, and is aligned with doctrine, rituals, religion, scriptures 
• "spirituality' is about connection to the inner self, and to the universe. Spirituality does not need a personal god.
• "faith' is an action word, that faith should require movement. No woman or person should feel that she should have faith and just stay for years in an abusive relationship. 
• For many people who are surviving domestic violence, the religious organisation can be the most unsafe place for them
  
• For some people, the faith and rituals help them with healing. For others, even if they are active members of their church/temple/mosque, the last thing they want to do is pray, but rather for someone to listen to them and hear
• People will decide when they want to pray as they get out of the abusive relationship. No person who is working in a helping role should introduce prayer until the person seeking help asks.

When prayer works and doesn't work..

 In the sharing, people talked about when prayers failed or might have worked. One woman shared that she was always vex with her mother for staying, for having faith and staying with her abusive father. She recalled when her father took his gun to kill her mother, but the gun jammed and did not work. "Did my mother's faith work then? I will never know.. "

Another woman said as a child she felt angry about how prayers did not seem to work to stop the abuse. She recognised how one other person is trapped in an abusive situation - continuously hoping that things will change. 

Other shared about witnessing the survival of others in faith communities, about the anger and rage which came from having to watch especially if the abuser is an active member of the community.

 "Don't shout at me from the pulpit.."

One woman shared that she tried to tell elders in her faith community what was going on. The abuser though was charming. The elders did not believe her and the rejection made her feel guilt and shame. She talked about not being able to go back to any faith community, to feeling sick as she remembers the rejection. 

We talked about how many people 'hide' what is going on.. shouting about being blessed and favoured when they are dealing with abuse. That the faith communities encourage this kind of hiding of abuse rather than supporting. One woman said that she thinks ' Don't shout at me from the pulpit'

 I suggested that where we were, the virtual space.. was church.

"Don't say anything, just hug, be there" - Empathy 

 One woman shared that "when persons are in distress nothing we can say to remove the grief.. hug and let them cry and talk and listen.."Don't say 'have faith' "

We discussed that for persons who are helpers, that there are times when they are faced with the situations of abuse and violence and do not know what to do. The helpers could need help at this point. One woman felt that the pain she experienced as she dealt with her situation gave her greater insight into what people go through. We had a discussion about the importance of empathy - likening it to going down into a pothole to help someone who is trying to get out of the pothole, rather than standing up around outside passing instructions.

This video from  Brené Brown on Empathy explains:

 "Don't drop the mic"

 The time ran out as people shared and felt deep emotions. The importance of the space, the conversation, to enable people to talk their stories, that while some might think that these are just 'talkshops' that there is a need for more gatherings and spaces which could help with healing.

Beverly in her closing reminded people of the importance of talking, sharing to raise awareness and to remove shame and guilt. 'Don't drop the mic' she said.

Previous conversations in the series include

• Prevention of sexual assault
  
• Survivors with disabilities
  
• Survivors and advocacy
  
• Healing in Community : People need people
• Healing for Survivors of Domestic violence
• Preventing Domestic Violence by changing our culture of violence
• Healing for child survivors of Domestic Violence 
• Healing through Understanding  self

 

Feature Image shared  by Jay Castor on Unsplash