Healing through Undestanding self - Notes from the conversation about domestic violence
"Healing through understanding self" was the theme of the fifth conversation about preventing domestic violence. The conversation was held virtually on Thursday 30 July, 2020.
The conversation was led by Dr Janice M Jackson. The moderator was Carlotta Boodie-Walcott.
The participants joined from different parts of Guyana, and from outside of Guyana.
These notes reflect some of the experiences and lessons shared in the conversation.
Loving thy neighbour as thy self and Selfishness
"We are taught that we have to look after others first in the families", "That's me , I have to work on my personal self care. I am guilty of putting others first" , "People think it is selfish if you try to say 'no' if you can't do something for them"
"We should understand that saying about loving thy neighbour, that you can't love your neighbour unless you love yourself in a healthy way"
We discussed how our ideas of who we are and who we should be are formed from family, community, culture, school, media, faith group, and other places. That our self-knowledge, self-identity and self-esteem are formed from the values absorbed from all these sources.
We talked about the shaming of those who would try to question the idea that they have to put others before self. People talked about the difficulties in families in how food was shared, who ate first, who ate last, who never ate. About who was expected to look after the elderly and the sick, without any questions.
Many survivors are trapped in abusive relationships as they feel they have to put the needs of others first - the children, the abuser, the family, the society. Many survivors have been told that they are selfish for wanting to leave abusive relationships.
The pressure to be different from how you feel is not only in abusive relationships.
A young man shared with me his struggles with living up to the expectations of others. "Its suffocating..i don't want to be in my grave knowing i lived my life as a people pleaser" he wrote.
Other's shared how they have become scared to speak in public after being told that they should not 'talk back to adults'. that they were rude if they tried to question adults. Others remembered things they were told in school, as far back as primary school, and how those things affect them still today.
The words and actions of family members also create problems "My dad would always say that as an only child I would be ungrateful and that he would invest in his siblings children that he favors because they were there for him. I think that I have accepted a lot of emotional abuse from him to prove him wrong."
Burn out
A participant expressed concern about how many people say they are OK, even when they are not ok.
We talked about burn out in the caring/helping professions - social workers, nurses, counselors, teachers, when it is seen as weak if anyone tries to seek help.
People talked about the difficulties with parents, about getting help for them or getting them to seek help. And about feeling helpless when they are expected to help the parents, but the parents do not want to be helped.
Moving Forward with healing
We talked about forgiveness - forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others. It was clear that forgiveness did not mean that there was an acceptance of the bad behaviour of others, it meant letting go of the hold, the anger. "What is the point of being angry now over something from 12, 15,20 years ago, who is the anger hurting?"
People who joined the conversations have felt comfortable to talk. The sharing/addressing experiences is another aspect of healing. In other conversations, we have talked about the sharing being in journal writing as well, not necessarily having to tell someone.
A participant expressed concern about how many people say they are OK, even when they are not ok.
We talked about burn out in the caring/helping professions - social workers, nurses, counselors, teachers, when it is seen as weak if anyone tries to seek help.
People talked about the difficulties with parents, about getting help for them or getting them to seek help. And about feeling helpless when they are expected to help the parents, but the parents do not want to be helped.
Moving Forward with healing
We talked about forgiveness - forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others. It was clear that forgiveness did not mean that there was an acceptance of the bad behaviour of others, it meant letting go of the hold, the anger. "What is the point of being angry now over something from 12, 15,20 years ago, who is the anger hurting?"
People who joined the conversations have felt comfortable to talk. The sharing/addressing experiences is another aspect of healing. In other conversations, we have talked about the sharing being in journal writing as well, not necessarily having to tell someone.
Acknowledging/embracing your authentic self was another aspect which was discussed. Many survivors who have had to create a sense of self based on their relationships, or their family identity, might feel loss , or emptiness as they have to ask 'Who am I' and 'Who do I want to be?'
Nurturing yourself: rest, relaxation was also seen as key. And using healthy tools.. exercise, meditation, deep breathing, good diet
Nurturing yourself: rest, relaxation was also seen as key. And using healthy tools.. exercise, meditation, deep breathing, good diet
On the day of the conversation, I had this delicious, soft, red, sweet salara that was comforting like a blanket.. when I should not be eating sweet.. but then..
Being true to and honest with yourself , understanding how you feel, not bashing yourself in too much for things you feel you cannot do, but also celebrating what you are do and what you are doing.
Claiming personal power
One woman shared "it took me a while to understand my worth and not allowing my partner to control me. my last relationship my partner kept saying she is the boss of me. and every time she would say it , it would hit my spirit in a bad way. I eventually asked her to stop saying that because she will start to believe it and become controlling. she had started, but once I addressed it, our relationship changed because she couldn't control me anymore.
People will only do as much as you allow them to do to you. Once you respect yourself, you'll be able to walk away from people or partner that's disrespecting you! it can be a power struggle in a relationship. but gain your power from within so you can control what you want in a relationship!!
The next conversation about the Healing journey is scheduled for Thursday 20 August , 2020
Previous conversations in the series were
One person who could not attend shared that she has found the Emotional Freedom Technique very helpful and uses it in her practice.Being true to and honest with yourself , understanding how you feel, not bashing yourself in too much for things you feel you cannot do, but also celebrating what you are do and what you are doing.
Claiming personal power
One woman shared "it took me a while to understand my worth and not allowing my partner to control me. my last relationship my partner kept saying she is the boss of me. and every time she would say it , it would hit my spirit in a bad way. I eventually asked her to stop saying that because she will start to believe it and become controlling. she had started, but once I addressed it, our relationship changed because she couldn't control me anymore.
People will only do as much as you allow them to do to you. Once you respect yourself, you'll be able to walk away from people or partner that's disrespecting you! it can be a power struggle in a relationship. but gain your power from within so you can control what you want in a relationship!!
The next conversation about the Healing journey is scheduled for Thursday 20 August , 2020
Previous conversations in the series were
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