"I have survived, NOW what?" - Notes from the Conversation about Surviving Domestic violence and advocacy


The theme of the conversation on Domestic violence was 'Surivivorship and advocacy" . The conversation was held virtually on Thursday 3 December, 2020, and was facilitated by Carlotta Boodie-Walcott.

The participants joined from Linden, New Amsterdam and other parts of Berbice; from Georgetown and from Barbados and California, USA.

These notes reflect some of the discussions and recommendations.

 Survivorship

The participants shared their views and experiences on Survivorship in the context of domestic violence/intimate partner violence. They agreed that surviving is not only moving away from an abusive relationship. These included :-

  •  surviving within the abusive relationship, coping with the fear
  • leaving the abusive relationship
  • dealing with all the feelings of loss, anger, uncertainty, fear after leaving the relationship
  • Trying to answer, or not answer questions such as :-
    • "How can I live without that person?" So many person's identity is tied to being in a relationship or being married.
    • "How can I live without the environment I am used to?"
    • "Why did I allow this to happen? "
  • Accepting that the healing process takes time, and that it is different for different people, that there will be steps forward, and then steps back 
  • Learning that self care is important
  • Learning how to identify a supportive community

Advocacy was explained as helping someone in the ways they want to be helped. 

Survivors helping others in abusive relationships

The participants agreed that no survivor should feel compelled to be involved in helping others.  One woman explained 'I got angry when the person I helped was not doing what I had done, or told her to do. I had to take a step back and be less forceful" . Another woman explained "I was in an abusive situation, helping others. But it was like I was escaping in helping, the problem was that I was focussing on others and not on myself. Self care is important" In psychology terms, being aware of 'transference' of pain.

Strategies for survivors helping others

  • Check your own readiness. One survivor shared in the discussion, that she knew when she was ready when she no forgave the perpetrator and that she also worked with her son to forgive the perpetrator so that they no  longer wanted to kill or harm the perpetrator. She also had to forgive herself. Another survivor explained "When you are able to look back on the abusive relationship, from a lens of empowerment, and not feel helpless or powerless or angry"
  •  Recognise that the person has to be willing and ready to accept interventions to move out of the abusive relationship
  • Understand empathy and be empathetic. "Don't let them feel less than you. 
  • Listen. Let the person lead the conversation, if you are talking more, or feeling your pain and sharing your own concerns and knowledge more than the person is talking, then stop.
  • Share information and helplines without judging the persons decisions as they survive the abuse
  • Offer indirect support, help those who are working with survivors; or to be an advocate in public awareness if you are ready to share your experience
  • If children are at risk, seek protective measures for the children
  • If people choose to go back to the relationship, do not say "Do not say 'I don't agree with your decision to return, but I am here for you if you need someone', say instead "Please feel free to contact me if you need me"
  • Take care of yourself. Refer and get other people to help.

Persons with disabilities in abusive relationships

The group discussed the additional challenges faced by persons with disabilities. One social worker reminded everyone that 3 Dec was International Day of Persons with Disabilities. We agreed that the next conversation will examine how persons with disabilities survive.

 

Previous conversations in the series include

 Feature image Photo by Carlos Quintero on Unsplash

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