Healing for child survivors of domestic violence : Notes from the conversation

Image by truthseeker08 from Pixabay

"Healing for child survivors of domestic violence" was the theme of the fourth conversation held on Thursday 9 July, 2020.

In previous conversations ,  people talked about the trauma endured by children, and the scarcity of resources to address this trauma.

This conversation was led my Marsha Hinds-Layne and Romola Lucas. They shared their personal experiences and recommendations.  The moderator was Carlotta Boodie-Walcott.

People joined from Guyana, Trinidad & Tobago, Dominica, Barbados, USA, UK.  

These notes reflect some of the points raised in the discussion.


"Don't stay because of the children"
There is a subtle pressure to 'preserve' the family at all costs in the Caribbean, and that pressure is put on women who are dealing with abusive partners. Children feel guilty when they feel responsible for their mother staying in the abuse.

One survivor said her son told her "Mommy, I want to live with you away from Daddy.. I would stay with you and go visit him, I don't want to live with you together"

Another survivor remembers her 8 year old self, telling her mother to leave, that "Mommy, I can go and work to help pay rent for an apartment, don't stay".  Her mother endured abuse during pregnancy, and then had to recover from post-partum depression. This impacted on her mother's ability to provide nurturing care. "I am still not close to my mother.. I had to learn how to be a mother on my own"

Many people believe that because the abuser might 'good to his children' that, the children are not affected. The impact though ranges from the 'range, powerlessness, sadness', of blaming the mother for staying, of being emotionally neglected as the abuser is the focus of all the emotional energy in the house, of learning that abuse is normal and the way to have a relationship.

Children could feel disconnected from other family members who they think are enabling the abuser, and not protecting them. One survivor said she did not talk to her aunts and other relatives.."How could you stand by and see what was happening and do nothing to help?"  She said that 'Abuse is an every day experience, even now, years later, I still get up every morning not sure of how to live my life as my own"

Another survivor shared "My sons were sad, angry, hopeless, confused, powerless.. the rage was internalised'

Creating healing spaces for child survivors 
The families in which abuse takes place cannot be the space for healing. The group discussed that there is need for professional services who understand the impact on children, and that healing sometimes is never total.  Children need to be heard and there is a need for places where children can call. (In Guyana - the CPA hotline is 227-0979). Child survivors who are now adults also need to be heard and have their stories told. Sometimes there are different endings, depending on the actions of the adults, or other people who come into their lives.

The messages are that children who survived domestic violence should not feel responsible, or feel guilty about the violence, that they should understand why they are powerless. That they could share their stories without being judged and have access to tools which could help them heal.

 
Being mindful of not passing on the violence to the children
"I also sat my kids down very early and levelled with them about my childhood.....I told them more as they got older....I wanted them to know that my inability to hug them was not about them....it was all me....they have grown into compassionate, empathetic adults.....I also made a conscious decision NOT to let my children have a relationship with my father  : I was not sending them to a monster "

The group discussed that tolerating an abuser who was not accountable for their abusive behaviour repeats the cycle. There are possibilities for connection. One person shared that she was 4 years old when she tried to stop her father from beating her mother. Her mother left the relationship soon after.
Later on, her father apologised to her mother. "I have a relationship with my father now"

The group discussed that it was important to raise children and talk to them about healthy relationships, and to use non-violent parenting.

Healing through forgiveness, which is not "acceptance of wrong doing"
"Forgiving parents is very over rated" is what one participant said. The group discussed how there is a burden on the survivors to forgive, where that forgiveness implies reconciliation with the abuser, or that the abuser is not held to account for the abuse.


There was further clarification .  "Practicing forgiveness does not mean accepting wrong doing.... meditation and going inwards so you can have the strength to forgive and free yourself.. but first you have to forgive yourself.  because a lot of us feel it is our fault. once you forgive and accept yourself then you will be able to forgive others !!!"







"Forgiveness is moving on without you (the abuser) and not wanting to put you in my mind"
Another participant shared " Forgiveness is the start of personal healing" and another described forgiving as "not allowing the person to control your emotions, so you learn to heal, usually with help.and a lot of self compassion. "  

In the discussion on healing which is around understanding self, the group discussed that forgiveness is letting go of any expectations from the abusers which hold you back., of letting go of waiting for something to happen to the abuser.

It did not mean reconciliation or any acceptance of abusive behaviour.

Prevention Education
The group talked about prevention education and where to get information about help available. Suggestions were made to do this at pre-natal clinics at the health centres (in Guyana), to keep consistent work in schools  .  To keep the education in schools so children understand their bodies, and what are the factors of good and healthy family relationships.

Another participant shared "I want officers to be better trained in dealing with cases of domestic violence, more counselling for children at health center in the community center and in churches. I think we have to also put pressure on our leaders and those in political spaces to invest in these necessary services.. "

Update 17 July, 2020 : Another survivor shared post event , thinking of those who want to help
 
" I think persons should be understanding. Like genuinely trying to comprehend the entire situation, considering the relationship between the Victim and the abuser and asking persons  how they felt towards the abuser then and now.

So as much as we feel sorry for the victim, we should also have some remorse towards the abuser, sorry that they don’t know better, sorry that they weren’t brought up better and sorry that they suffered so much in their life that they take that emotional pain out on someone else or on their families.

Lastly, feel it for the victim and show them love. Don’t ever judge them. When you’re an on looker you tend to ignore a lot of factors than when you’re the one in the situation. Don’t view them as weak or treat them any differently. Applaud them for being so strong, leaving and moving on with their lives as they should. Celebrate that survivor regardless of how minor or major that abuse is because every individual reacts differently to every situation. "


Resources

•  The Breadfruit Collective is an emerging initiative which will intersect Environmental Justice with Gender Justice
• A participant recommended Freedom's Flowers : The Effects of Domestic Abuse on Children by Pat Craven and the associated Freedom Programme

The next conversation is scheduled for Thursday 30 July, 2020 and will be on Healing through understanding self.

Previous conversations in the series were
Healing in Community : People need people
Healing for Survivors of Domestic violence
Preventing Domestic Violence by changing our culture of violence



Helplines

National Organisation of Women (Barbados) - (246) 232 6138


Guyana Helplines