Healing in community : People need people - Notes from the conversation about domestic violence

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Healing in Community: People need People was the theme of the third online conversation about preventing domestic violence. The conversation was held on Thursday 25 June, 2020.

Participants joined from Barbados, Dominica, Guyana, Trinidad & Tobago, Canada and the USA. Some persons identified themselves as survivors, many of whom are also working as advocates and helpers.

The lead facilitator was Carlotta Boodie- Walcott – a therapist - and the moderator was Vidyaratha Kissoon. The online space was created as a ‘brave space’, for persons to share as they feel.

We invoked Melissa Soman, 17 years old. A man who was supposed to love her, killed her. The police have charged the man.

We invoked Rehanna Rahaman, 18 years old. A man who was supposed to love her, beat her, threw her down on the ground. She died soon after. The police have not charged him.

These notes reflect some of points made in the discussion.  These are notes do not reflect the depth of the stories which were shared.

What do survivors expect from the community of people who come to help?
Survivors have to deal with many different decisions when leaving an abusive relationship. Some decisions take time.

Unconditional support is needed from the people who come to help.

“People who will come without judgement.. without saying ‘I will only help you if you leave”.

People who come to help should listen,  rather than advise (talk less), and not try to fix anything. People who come to help should provide a brace. To not walk in the survivor’s shoes, but to walk side by side with the survivor at the pace set by the survivor.

It is instinctive to want to apply fixes but the survivors have to determine when and how to fix anything. One survivor said ‘I knew what I had to do, but I had to take time to get ready”

Organisations which provide support – e.g. shelters – can sometimes be overwhelming with their own rules and protocols for safety, security and accountability.

For example, some survivors might feel the need to be in contact with the abusive family members during the separation process. And it would not be easy for shelters to guarantee safety as many abusers could attack the survivors and those who are providing support to them.


“There is strength in staying and dealing with an abusive relationship, there is strength in leaving”

There is a path when realising that something is wrong to leaving the abusive relationship. One survivor shared her process. In the beginning there was denial. She thought she could use her knowledge and skills to make him change – which included leaving and restoring the relationship. She then realised that the violence was affecting her daughter and she ended the relationship. She got support from her family, and from counselling. And now it is a process of rebuilding her and her daughter’s lives. She realised that she was in a good place when she saw the abuser in public, and was not afraid.

One person shared her experience of feeling powerless after trying to help a survivor, who went back to the relationship. She was not sure if she did something wrong. The group discussed that it was good to let any survivor know that they can call any time, and that there should be some safety planning and ways of coping and being resilient.

Social work, theories about domestic violence
One survivor, a social worker, shared that ‘All that I learned in social work could not help me’. She explained that when seeking help, people expected her to behave a certain way, and did not believe she was serious because she was not behaving as the helpers believed ‘victims’ to behave.

There was emphasis in the discussion, that in seeking commonalities to deal with domestic violence, it was easy to overlook individual circumstances and helpers could do more harm.

There was discussion – some felt that the social workers and other helpers who have been through the experience would be in a better position to help. The tension though is that every story is different, and everyone agreed, that even if you had an experience, that the full story is never known and we cannot assume that what worked for us would work for anyone else going through the same situation.

A caution was given “Listen to the story, provide information and options.. but do not insert yourself into the story”.

Power at home, and work place, organisations
A man shared that he had to deal with different scenarios. In his workplace, he made the decisions, and gave instructions, and they were obeyed. At home however, he knew he had to behave differently.

We discussed in the previous conversation, this problem of how power is manifested and used and the problems it creates.

We reflected that in some work places, shouting and abusing others is seen as ways of good management.. plantation style. What happens to those who feel powerless at work, when they come home and are told they have to be the ‘head’.. and feel that their power at home is also threatened?

Another participant shared his experience of listening to women talk in the religious setting. Listening to how the story seems to be ‘stay in the bad marriage, no matter what’ . He was concerned that the message that it is okay to leave an abusive relationship does not seem to filter down.

One survivor explained the difficulty of trying to bring the abuse to the attention of church members. The abuser was a pastor in the church. The dilemma when the church member said “If I believe you, then it means the pastor is lying. And I can’t (or don’t want to) believe that the pastor is lying’. So many abusers are influential, charming, helpful to others, that survivors seeking help have to break through the wall of ‘this is not true’.


Breaking silences , sharing stories, being a community of healing
A woman shared that she made her story public by creating a play and theatrical production. It was the first time her son, who was video recording the event, realised what she had gone through.

A survivor talked about how telling different parts of the story as she disclosed in different settings, that even after leaving the relationship , that the weight is still on her shoulders so telling helps to release that weight.

Healing and empowerment have to be centred on the survivors’ needs. Many times when people with good intentions rush to take over, they replicate the same control which is part of the problem.
A young participant who joined because she wanted to know how she could help, wrote after “... like Toni Morrison said "words.. words have power" In speaking comes healing and then growth and the rest is self-preservation.”

One of the important things to do to support survivors is to have these conversations in our own communities. using our platforms. Let people know that Domestic violence is unacceptable., it is criminal behavior, it is wrong. Nobody deserves to be abused

We need to hold our judgement and share with love.


The impact on children

Two persons shared that they were survivors because as children they witnessed the abusive behaviour of their fathers. The group discussed that many times, people in abusive relationships do not realise the impact of the abuse on the children, especially if they survived as children.

Our next conversation will be exploring healing for children who have survived domestic violence.




Previous conversations in the series are Healing for Survivors of Domestic violence and Preventing Domestic Violence by changing our culture of violence

Contact :
Carlotta Boodie Walcott, Healthy Relationship Imperatives
carlottaboodie@gmail.com

592-665-0228

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