Healing for Survivors of Domestic violence in Guyana – Notes from the conversation
Survivors of domestic violence, those who witnessed domestic violence, therapists and others joined in an online conversation on Thursday 28 May, 2020 to discuss healing for survivors.
The lead facilitator was Carlotta Boodie Walcott – a clinical psychologist and the moderator was Vidyaratha Kissoon
These notes reflect some of the discussion.
Healing is a Journey
The healing for survivors starts with the understanding of the impact of the domestic violence. The abuser’s actions – physical abuse, threats of violence, emotional abuse, economical abuse, sexual abuse - impacts on the physical and mental health of the survivor.
Emotional abuse includes repeated threats, name calling, isolation, stalking , humiliation in front of other people. The effects of emotional abuse are devastating.
The effects on survivors are a loss of a sense of self, sadness, despair, shame, depression, physical injuries, disabilities, ailments such as high blood pressure and stress related disorders. Death is often an end result of the actions of abuse.
The healing journey starts with a decision to heal. Healing takes time , and it is a process. It requires honouring the decisions made to survive in the abusive relationship and not feeling ashamed about having ‘taken so long to leave’ or loving the abuser and hoping for change.
The healing process is different for everyone. The process could involve disclosures about the abuse and violence, forgiveness, spirituality, resolution and moving forward.
Forgiveness looks different for everyone and takes time. A survivor needs to forgive themselves. Forgiveness does not mean that the perpetrator or abuser is not accountable for their actions. It does not preclude the survivor from taking legal action or requiring any level of justice.
Healing happens from the inside out. Healing is helped with a supportive community, which understands and listens and affirms the steps in healing.
The courage to heal is found inside each survivor, and all helpers, therapists, friends can help the survivor find that courage.
Some women have good paying jobs, why are they still in the relationship?
“I was on the pulpit, preaching.. and then going home to face physical assault from my husband, also a church leader.. no one understands, the loss of self esteem, the feeling that you cannot be on your own..I was also a successive executive’ one woman shared.
Many people do not understand the things which trap people in abusive relationships. People can look in from outside but not know everything.
There is pressure from family and friends to fix things, there is pressure about what will happen to the children, about the financial issues.
How to help when you notice someone is in an abusive relationship?
“How could I help someone if I know they are being abused, without feeling as though I am abusing them further by insisting they leave?” a woman asked with concern.
The decision to leave the abusive relationship is up to the survivor. The group discussed that the best thing to do was to let the person know that you are there for them, and ask “What can I do to help?”. And to understand and not be frustrated if the survivor does not do so immediately.
What happens when counselling alone does not seem to make you feel better?
“I went to counselling… they were okay.. but like it did not help.. people had laughed at me.. my situation was public.. people said I wanted money.. “ a young woman shared.
Many survivors have reported the abuse, but have not been supported or believed. When the society wants to encourage breaking of silences, the survivors’ feelings and stories have to be validated to aid in healing.
Counselling could take place over a long time as part of the healing journey.
What are the first emotions after leaving the relationship?
“I was afraid.. I was alone, worried.. I had to find somewhere to live, to sort out my finances, stress?” “I was vex bad, at him, his family everybody.. “
The group discussed that it was okay to feel a range of emotions after the end of the abusive relationship. It is possible to feel fear, to feel sad at the loss , to feel angry and tired, and to wonder if it was the right decision or if to make some other decision to stop the abuse.
One survivor said “We should be careful not to become bullies ourselves’. She explained that she found that she was lashing out at everyone.
What can be done about perpetrators of abuse?
“What if her male relatives let the perpetrator know that he must stop abusing? What if I confront the abuser”
People noted that abusive behaviour has to be condemned. Safety is important – confronting an abuser should not cause harm to anyone. The survivor is the best person to ask how to help.
Talk to faith leaders to engage the abuser especially if the abuser is a part of the faith community. Make the abuser’s family ware of violence. Hold abuser accountable. Provide a batterers’ intervention program. Challenge the societal attitudes which promote violence.
What about violence generally?
Domestic violence and intimate partner violence happens in a culture of violence. We cannot deal with domestic violence and intimate partner violence without dealing with other forms of violence like the beating of children.
The next conversation will take place in June.
Contacts
Carlotta Boodie Walcott, Healthy Relationship Imperatives
carlottaboodie@gmail.com
592-665-0228
Vidyaratha Kissoon
vidyak1 at gmail dot com
Helplines
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