Empathy first, before help...

 

"I don't tell anyone..  you tell people what you going through .. and they tell you last week they had a headache.." the man tells me. 

There had been a pause in our regular lighthearted chat, mostly text. I got a message "a lot going on' and I said let's talk. I am not good with the text chat typing thing in the listening mode.

We talk. His voice is a bit different. Voice raised like if he is in a loud environment. Words coming quickly one after another. But he isn't in a loud environment. 'Google prednisone' he tells me. The inflammatory condition has flared up. He had to take the drug 'of last resort' and the side effects - insomnia , mood swings, feeling high energy to do anything, heart racing. "I hope nobody crosses me.. ",

 He had told me of the ways he lived with the condition, adjusting life, taking precautions and so and being social and functioning.  

He did not tell me  or anyone else about the flare up or the effects of the drug because 'nobody wants to know.. you can't dump your issues on people.. everybody has their problems.."

Dumping issues..

The week before.. I did not have a headache. I had a shut down, I could not do work. I had to sit, dwell and take time to process what was happening. Some people reached out to talk about other things. I did the honest thing in answering the question 'How you doing?'. One well meaning man offered to pray immediately and when I started telling him that prayers are not what I need, he stumbled and insisted that he knows prayers have helped people.. nd I was like.. Vidya, Vidya.. be kind.. the man trying to help.  

Another friend did what I would do.. get straight to the cure, the things I needed to do fix my life, to get out of my pit and so on. Even as I explained that 'no.. I just want to be here for a minute..and wishing that instead of rushing to pull me out with the love and care and so on, that just sit with me for a minute, and don't pressure me into saying anything or  having to fix anything..." but I changed the conversation.. we talked about other things and laughed and so. I told the prayer man 'thanks' but I realised that I should  not have because it will only reinforce the believe that 'prayers' help when sometimes.. they don't.

And I am a praying man.

Empathy is not instinctive or something we do well. But in realising how many of us wonder why it is some people don't tell us what is happening ,  many of us who 'want to help' and set ourselves up with all the solutions..

The first step really, is just sitting there.. being silent, or listening.. not saying anything, not forcing anyone to fix or cure anything, nothing as people get a chance to figure out what is going.

 "What can I do to help?"

 The shut down came when I had a deadline for some work with a social justice organisation. I wrote asking for a deadline, explaining the mental health challenges. The man wrote back 'Vidya, unfortunately we cannot extend' . We then had a meeting to work out other deadlines.

At no point did the man ask how I was doing.  I was amused by that time, surprised that there was no acknowledgement of the mental health issues.

A younger colleague was also surprised and noticed the lack of response. He was surprised that I was also open about my mental health issues. And in our conversation he asked 'What can I do to help?'.

A powerful question. Not prescriptive, not rushing to any solutions or prayers. or urgent referrals and 'Go to a counsellor, you need help.. you need help'

I said nothing really, but thinking that it was good to get acknowledgement, that I had spoken up about the mental health issues, and there was no judgement or blaming for being in the 'pit'.

And I remember how I felt during that time, with all the goodness in the world, as I interact with some people who are vulnerable about their problems.. that 'help' is often is not what is needed yet, that being present and not saying much.. and ensuring no self harm or harm is done.. to wait.. as long as it takes.. and then doing the referrals, support, get the tools and so on to help fix, manage.

Empathy first.. before help.