Mental wellness and the banana flower...

 The work extension cannot be granted.  I waited two days thinking that I would resume the pace and finish the work. That if I 'rested' that I could get back on track.

Nights were okay. Slept good. Impotence.  Impotence again. Realising something is wrong.

Did not understand why on day 1 of the decline why I felt as though I had not slept. Thought of the day ahead, but notice that I was anxious, fidgety.  Can't concentrate.

Communicated with some people. Low functioning requirements. 

 

Realised I was doing a mundane task the wrong way. Stopped and thought of what I was doing. Body is paining. Thinking I need to go do the yoga but can't get down on the ground. Shoulder is paining again after a long time.

The tools not working. Breathing,thinking one thing at a time. It is too early for them to work.

I remember a man telling me, let this pass. You have to not fight, just wait it out.

Wishing that I could be productive, while waiting 'it out'. Thinking I have some space, the work which has to be done, I could catch up with it.

 It has been awhile since I felt like this.  I am not feeling bad, just trying to process. Knowing that the fatigue and exhaustion and so on have been piling up. That I have been 'okay'.. coping and so, but things fester

The heat is crazy, place hot bad.  Fan not cooling down. In another time, I would have run to find some air conditioning somewhere. There is another work I have to do. 

And another work which I am not doing well , and constant reminders that I am not doing it well.

Day 2 I think I am better. Have some conversations. Have the documents open on the screen. Work is planned out. Cannot type anything.  Again. The words are not making sense. Thinking of who to tell and realise that in this mode, if I get a 'wrong' reaction - prayers, prescriptions, or anything like that, I might holler at the person. So I shut up. 

I am glad I am not going and buying out the chocolate down the road to eat. I do a few emails. 

Day 3. I realise I cannot make the deadline. Feel sick as I type the letter asking for the extension to the deadlines which I set. This is not me. I deliver work no matter what. Have always delivered no matter what.

Place is hot. Conversation happening and I think I am being useful. 

Dark clouds and I think rain would come. At some point, I choose to just feel the heat on the body.

Body in a kind of post-pain feeling. I feel the throbbing and so. I go down on the floor start the yoga routine. 

Focus, mind on each stretch. I realise my body seems more flexible than I thought. I am grateful.

Go into the last pose, the corpse.  I feel okay. I am sweating, place is humid. I feel okay.

A few conversations. 

Banana flower

I learned of cooking banana flower in July. It was on my mind, a thing to do. Not sure when to do it and thinking that after forgetting, the flower would not have anything left.

But today was to be a work day, last minute rush to meet a deadline. 

But the banana flower is on my mind. 

I go down in the yard, there is a cool spot. I take the camera. I know the flower has these beautiful colours.

I pick the flower off the bunch. Peel off the 'bracts ', find the flowers which will not become bananas.

I no longer think of the other things I am not doing.. the work, the other things.

 

 

 

The people are clear, the pistil has to come out of each floret. I open each one, take out the pistil. I am going through methodically. 

I am not thinking of the work and the thing I can't do today to submit 

It is not as though I am pushing any boundaries, like running on the seawall , this is different. I am doing something which I never thought I would be doing.

I notice the discarded bits of the flower. The pink heads and the thin petals which 'are indigestible'. 

They look nice, on the pile and I play with them, the camera.

I should have been looking at the work, drawing diagrams to explain concepts. But I am here putting these things which I will throw away in a nice pose to make a picture.

It is a different feeling, from how I felt earlier. That I could not do anything. I realise that the crashing has ended.

 

 

 

So I think I would curry this, not to fry.  The people talk about making a batter with flour, dhal and so on, and then deep frying it.

 

I bend down, take out the small bachie carahee .  I have some left over oil. Put the oil .

 

I take out flour, masala, turmeric, and so.. make the batter. I cannot believe I am doing this.

Oil is hot.

 

I put the things in. Frying nicely.  

 

Take out to drain. I watch myself doing this. 

 

This was not the plan today. Today I was going to finish the draft document and submit it.  

Taste the thing. It is light and crispy. I have NEVER fried anything like this.

Batter remaining. Cut up a small onion. I have NEVER done this.

Finish and can't believe, that after crashing, after being stuck that I cooked the banana flower, deep fried it.

I wonder, why I am doing this, instead of doing the work for which I will not get an extension.

Body pains are kind of there again, yoga has helped, but not enough

And I stop wondering. I feel okay.  

 

Whatever will happen will happen.

The man tells me I cannot get the extension. I am ready to work again. I am not bothered with the renegotiation of the deadline or the consequences.