Thoughts of a minibus traveller

De lady at de door of de cultural centre look lil anxious. I mek sure ah ask she if ah dress arite. Ah had on a shirt, a pants and a mocassin. It tek me great pains to dress like dis. De lady say yeh.. de shirt arite, it doan have to go in meh pants. And dat tonite she letting up no de jeans. Chutney Final. National Cultural Centre. Dress Code sort of in effect. Admission Free. But I want to sit at the back. I friken to sit in front where people might recognise me an' well, I can't sit emotionless throughout 16 chutney song. I sit down and a man next to me seh.. wait, you was at de sex and gender show dis year? I aint know what to say. I say.. oh yes yes.. de film festival, he say yes dat was it. Sex and Gender show.. sound like a nice chutney ting. And I see two other friends. Dey decide to sit down at de back wid me too. 8pm or so. National Anthem. Not from Shakti Strings. And the 'War on Bad Manners' message c  Shoots, ah mean.. .. And then MC Nazim ta...

Nothing like the seawall - breeze, orange sky, waves - to make you feel nice, good. Nothing like the setting sun approaching darkness to remind you that the nice feelings can pass. The journal for the last four years remind me of the anxiety rather than feelings of excitement at the New Year. And like some blasted cycle, the depression creeps up.. slowly again. The New Year tasks to sort out the 2012 work which had not finished. I feel sick that I cannot finish them. Resolution 1: Choose simple tasks. It's okay if you do not do them. To hell with New Year's resolutions. Say No to doing new things, even the ones which sound interesting. I think about going to mandir .. but that requires a kind of energy and attentiveness which I cannot muster up. Wednesday night satsangh sounds nice.. but the thought of people and moving far from home is scary. Resolution 2 : Leave the house when you want to stay home, even if you go downstairs. It is okay to pray on  your own. Tho...

1 January, 2013.  Musings about 2012 and thinking about how it done.. like 2011,2010, 2009.. Thinking of achievements to build on, trying not to be bogged down in the bad stuff. 2012 - year I severed some connections or tried to severe connections with people who terrified me. First activity of 2012, turning down an invitation to eat cook up - poor mental health meant not being able to converse at any level; and also not having my guard up. 2011 elections results revealed some allegiances which were surprising and divisive. It was more than just 'political differences'. unlike say 'religious differences', it seemed to be about survival. 2012 - also, the year in which some bridges were built - flimsy ones - with people who I did not plan to engage with Learnings really about ideas of friends and foes, and laughing at my blurred boundaries and while accepting the loss of connections, celebrating other ways of connecting. Drinking Malta and Mauby    In Jun...