Channa choka and toast in rough times..

  

Dinner time and thinking what to eat and also thinking of the patient who does not want to eat or drink properly but whose "No' is loud still so that the intentions are clear. 

Thinking of the decision and confrontations and challenges and agony over food, offerings made to a goddess which are returned.

"What you doing for self care" and I think yeah,, eat, sleep , exercise and so on but I feel guilty thinking of food when the patient does not want any.

So looking in the kitchen, channa, garlic, tomato, lil olive oil, salt, eschallot.. put in the food processor and the thing mash up nice and then I think.. it need a lil crisping.. so make into two cakes and put on the tawa on which I had decided to toast the bread because tawa toast different from toaster toast.

The tomato didn't really crush up too much thankfully. nice and chunky.

Thing start to burn and I take off and scrape the burnings. Nice smell of the garlic too which burn lil bit. 

Put lil peanut butter on the toast. Put the channa choka (not humus because I aint had lemon juice and tahini and dem tings ) and put lil pepper sauce on everything.

Cut up into bite sized pieces for myself thinking of the small bite sized pieces of bread which are not being eaten.. the 'No'.. 'No'.. strong voice. The hands pushing away the cup and the plate.. strong movements.. 

But plate there.. taste the thing.. the mash up channa is nice and light.. , different from eating the channa itself.. 

Rolling around on my tongue.. remembering the guy who had once told me to go buy the 'expensive' baigan choka and roti because 'there will be at time when you cannot eat it..' 

So saying yes, eating now for the time in the future when I might push away the food, shout no, say no.. loudly. and saying yes to the channa choka and toast  so that I could do whatever the patient requires..