5 meditations on the ochro, carilla , eddoe curry; and the sada roti which did not swell

Food provides the release from the difficulties . I wrote about the 6 unexpected lessons about mental health from another plate of random things.

A day which is difficult in a range of difficult days. I am yearning for junk food , for sweet to binge on but I am exhausted to go buy. And in the night as I sort out what to eat, I realise the plate is random, not junk.

1. Ochro
The woman who sells the ochro also from time to time has the nicest, thinnest plantain chips. The kind of plantain chips which start crumbling if you handle too roughly in the pack. The kind of plantain chips which make a nice film even nicer. The kind of plantain chips I wish I had  bought more than than two packets. I remembered the last time I had lost weight, I had stopped eating plantain chips daily.

I turn back and I see the ochro. I am uncertain what to do, as the patient who I hope would get benefits from the ochro has gone beyond the benefits stage.  I buy the ochro.


2. Eddoe curry
 I don't know what to cook for the patient. I could buy food, but the cook shop is closed. I think eddoe curry, but nothing I would cook with the eddoe easily (not saeme), the patient could eat. Plain eddoe curry.  

The patient though , prefers something else.  I have not made eddoe curry in a long time. I had forgotten about how it tastes, I should have put other stuff in it like saijan. But I cannot  predict what the patient needs.

3. Carilla
 Carilla, me alone now, eating it in the house where I used to be one not eating it. Hoping it could counter the effects of the dangerous foods I eat to get through the difficult days.  Steaming it and thinking of the loved one who is shunning me who says the carilla is helpful. And remembering that conversation, and other nice conversations, rather than the bitter exchanges afterwards. Eating the bitter carilla for the memory of the temporary sweetness in a dysfunctional connection.



4. Dhal
Remembering dhal and how dhal makes most vegetables and rice taste better than the vegetables themselves. Glad that I know to make the dhal. Glad that there was dhal as there are times when there is no dhal and I cannot be bothered to make any. 


5. Sada roti which did not swell
Sada roti there, I prefer paratha but cannot cook paratha any more. Blackout, so could not saykay (swell) the sada roti in the microwave. I tried on the tawa but it did not work out. I can't do many things as I hollered today to the patients who think I could. I then realised that no one really wants to hear about how difficult it is.. it is not like I am in some nice dramatic dysfunctional love affair which woudl have more excitement than having to panic about not being able to find a nurse to administer an enema.  And that cancelling things, about feeling exhausted, about planning and saying no.

About being asked to do work, and  saying yes, then saying no.

But the sada roti which did not swell is okay, it is still soft and could go down with the rest of plate.

I eat, feel glad that I did not indulge today.

I wanted a big box of the cheese covered garlic spread ketchup laden tostones from the shop down the road. I wanted lots of ice cream, and cake, to help me through the rough time.

But I had instead, the plate of different things, which would not punish me like the things I really wanted. And I know at some point, that I am going to have to stop thinking of things I don't have and just accept what I have.