6 unexpected lessons on mental health from the plate of food

"dear god , leh me ded now" I scream in my head as the body in pain tries to hold back the sobbing and the bawling. The pain isn't releasing with the sobbing.
 It is early morning and the conversations with the two patients are not good. One patient tells me 'sorry' after I try to beg for instructions as to what to do for cooking.  The food negotiations are complex.  One patient has specific needs but holds on to control and any attempt that I  want to eat differently is a sign of breaking that control or rejecting the offerings.
Another patient who used to enjoy food can no longer enjoy food the same way.  And this is only one of the decisions to make.  I breakdown, and feel more sick because I can't believe that interactions with the two patients can break me down.

In my head though, as I cry to god to leh me dead, I know that I am not taking responsibility for my own death. I don't pray for anything, except that I can be useful and helpful and that people who interact with me could feel satisfied that they get their requests answered in one way or another.

Prayers have worked for other people and that is good for them.  A need for me to be at home instead of singing at Mandir results me in saying, arite.. you can honour the ancestors, open the ramayana at home, read the sumiran and one choupaii and doha as you would have done if you had gone to mandir. Doing that though, not for blessings so much as feeling some connection to those who had gone before.

I  feel relieved that I am not  attached to life and living and not scared of death, but I am more anxious about suffering before dying.

And a few days after the crying , I feel grateful for the plate of food and its randomness. And I imagine these lessons from the food on the plate.

1. Pumpkin
 Sunday morning in the market. I wanted to lie in bed and not move but managed to get up. I am feeling confused over what to cook, and how to cook. I am terrified that if my eating differently from the patients will create bad karma.  I think of doing the pumpkin in the oven. I haven't done it in years. Mental health requires testing and trying, creativity.  I do the pumpkin in the oven. The oil is a bit too much. It tastes good, It is a lot.  A 15 hour blackout means that I am eating pumpkin for breakfast, then for lunch, and then for dinner. I laugh.. too much of a good thing after a long time. I save some though, because I want to eat with pasta.  I think I am wasting gas to do it this way but for now, it is okay.

2. Mango Curry
A whole bowl of mango curry.  Sweet so more gurumba than curry. A gift. The man who had cut the mangoes for the curry is a quiet man, hard working and keeps moving. I remember when he told me about nursing his wife as she died from cancer.  He and I are the same age. He is a parent of one child. Two other women my age gave me lessons on caregiving after nursing their mothers through terminal cancer.   I have no intention of using 'other people or worse off" to feel better. The man who cut the mangoes for the curry though, he is always moving. And I know that exercise, doing work.. moving is good even if the body pains are not always removed, but there is a release of tension from the parts which are not paining as yet.


3. Pasta
I like pasta. I don't eat it often because I am too exhausted to cook differently for myself most times. Pasta has good memories. I remember the joy of watching a lover eat a random pasta meal I had made.. the eating as good as the love making. It was a rare occasion. I like pasta with baigan and tomato. Trying new things and I eat the pasta and the roast pumpkin and it tastes good, not like pumpkin and roti. Different even though it is all the same basic ingredients. Is there anything else in my life that I could mix up and make differently?



4. Quinoa
It is 10 pm. I am tired. The phone rings. My heart flips as I wonder if it is the loved one who is shunning me who has decided to resume calling late night. The woman says 'You have dissed my concerns'. We talk for long. She is dealing with a girl who has survived rape. The child protection services have failed the girl. The woman is frustrated and is using all her resources and connections to sort things out. I am confused as to what I could do. "I just want to know that other people will listen to me , that they believe me as even I can't believe the horrors I am dealing with" she says. I listen. I am glad she called. The quinoa is a gift I received. I would not normally buy it even though   it tastes nice. There are many gifts I have received. As I listen to the woman, I am thankful for the others who have listened to me from time to time.  She laughs at some point in the conversation .. the laugh is usually a good sign when a conversation starts with a crisis.

5. Greek style ochro
"Ochro nah deh" I hear  the vendors say at the market. I see a woman selling two parcels of small shiny ochro. The day I am to cook, I am feeling confused as one patient is not doing well. I know I have to manage the energy flows , and the routine is screwed up. And I have to make this thing which requires a lot of steps. And I want to use coconut milk in it too.  Mindfulness though in the chaos between sorting out bed pan and chopping up vegetables. My body is tense, pains there and I will do the yoga routine. There is cucumber to blend to make juice. I had other plans for them. but juice is fine. And then I realise that in one day.. cucumber, sorrel, tangerine, orange, banana, passion fruit, mango have passed my tongue. So I think right, gratitude,  even though I can't cope with the patients, that for some moments I can forget the lack of coping.
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6. Sweet Potato
 Sugar is bad. Diabetes is causing problems. Sweet potato is good, not perhaps as bad as cake or donut or pine tart.  The whole buzz around sweet potato is in my head. I cook it, plain, no salt. Thinking to eat this instead of rice and wheat for awhile. A little bit at a time. It tastes nice with everything. It wasn't difficult to do. I fix a table which had been broken for years.  A woman had told me of how she had done some simple tasks which had seen overwhelming and was surprised at how easy they were.

 I think of the movement I should be doing and how to cope with the stress and the inability to do the care giving well, that I have to remember to do some things which will make me feel good. Even small things.

I   am not happy to be alive- I am not interested in that kind of happiness-   but as long as I am alive there will be  suffering, some of which will be exhausting , and there will be moments of joy - out of my own creation, or randomly.  I will probably break down again, but I will probably recover too.