"He does beat woman... I thought you knew.."

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Sunday morning chat. Young man, brilliant writer and me talking about this and that and one of Guyana's prominent citizens.  'He does beat woman.." the young man types in the chat window.
There are plenty stories are coming out of the USA of powerful and popular men. In Guyana, things are more complex. There is a lot of  mourning and anger when men kill women or beat them up so that the stories get into the media. Some of the men who are abusive but who do not leave marks or who do not kill also join the condemnation of the murders.

The young man heard from the brother of a woman who the man had hit. The woman and her brother decided to leave well enough.

The story telling often comes with promises to be confidential. The first rule of counseling or hearing any story is ensure that the survivor of violence is safe and no further harm is done. The more powerful and popular the man who beats and abuses women, the more difficult it is to prove and to believe the survivors. One man who has contempt for coolie  women frequently uses public fora to demonstrate that contempt in ways which are subtle. Subtle, like so many other forms of abuse. He has been freed of the one charge of sexual abuse and harassment and that 'freeing' has been the permission to continue to show contempt.

The young man told me "I'd call him out but other people will get dragged in" .  I am feeling foolish as even though I disagree with the powerful and popular man on many things, I did not think he would be abusive. My instinct was not to believe even though I should know better. I remember the one man in Guysuco who had told me that he supported my advocacy against domestic violence. He was subsequently charged after he attacked his wife and children, and the rage became public as he tried to kill them outside of the house. 

The young man said other women who were in relationships with the man talked. They had no evidence to charge or they were trapped in the web of abuse.  

Entrapment is complex. 

The web of abuse includes behaviours which torturers have used on prisoners, and which Governments use on citizens sometimes to break their spirits.

With so many cases of abuse, it will always be a 'he seh, she seh." story.

I unfriended the powerful man on Facebook.  I was asked about his role in particular activity, and I had to shut up and mumble. 
I could avoid him if I have to. I cannot confront him though because the confidentiality rules apply and there could be harm to any of his current partners who he might have trapped

It is not enough to avoid abusive men, and the other men and women who encourage them or who say that they are good at what they do so give them a chance.

It seems futile to change the culture which punishes women who try to break their silence, but that change is necessary. It should not be the responsibility of any woman alone to hold an abusive man accountable for his behaviour.  Safety is the often the most pressing need, with punishment of the abuser coming a close second and only if that punishment will guarantee safety.

This particular man has apparently offered redemption to at least one of the women who has survived his violence. He might have offered others so hence the silence.


A woman told me I was abusive and sexist in my behaviour towards her. We were talking on the phone. I was not conscious of wanting to harm her at the time. A man told me that he was stunned by my anger in response to something he did. We were talking on the phone. He has told me of not wanting to face me or my anger. I was not aware that I was angry at the time. I did not intend to cause him harm. I try to be conscious in my behaviour to ensure I am not abusive to anyone and to be open to feedback about my behaviour at all times.


The web of abuse explains how abusive relationships work, in intimate partner violence.



Isolation: not being let out of the house, prevented from seeing family & friends, having money taken away from you, prevented from seeking help.

Disability/Exhaustion: being physically disabled either permanently or temporarily, not being allowed to sleep, protecting children from abuser, treading on eggshells trying to figure out the abusers feelings and desires.

Degradation: being made to do degrading sexual/domestic acts, forced to beg, having request refused, being made to have sex with other people, being called names and criticized, forced to change religion.

Threats: to hurt or kill children/pets/family/friends, to leave you penniless/homeless, to have children taken away, to take possessions away, emotional blackmail.

Physical  : hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, damaging items, attacking pets, attacking vulnerable relatives

Displays of Total Power: controlling finances, behaviour being socially endorsed by culture, law etc.

Enforcing Trivial Demands: makes you perform tasks in a particular way, demanding you wear particular clothes, demanding you wear makeup, demanding you speak in a particular way, make you
account for every minute, every action.

Distorted Perspectives: saying one thing and meaning and doing something else, acting ignorant of something he knows, expressing a lie as if it were a known truth, twisting your words, blaming your
partner for your behaviour.

Occasional Indulgences: stating good intentions, saying he will change/get help/ never do it again, buying gifts, giving you money, taking you out. While these may be genuine expressions in an
abusive relationship this may be the attitude of the abuser after he has been abusive or violent.