Coil: Domestic violence and entrapment

Domestic violence and entrapment

by Vidyaratha Kissoon

“If you interfere in me woman story , I gun kill yuh’ the young man told the older man in a wheel chair. The neighbours heard, as they always do , the threats to chop up and kill . Sometimes there are sounds which of hands knocking on tables to demonstrate the threat.

The neighbours called the older man to find out if he was still alive. The neighbours complained to family members. The day before this threat, the younger man had lovingly brought home the older man from the Clinic. He had cleaned the house and cooked. Some nights, the younger man curses all night. The older man says that things have been stolen.

The younger man has been in jail, most recently three months after a neighbour complained about the tiefing. The younger man came out of jail and came back. Within a week, the behaviour resumed. Sometimes the neighbours smell marijuana.

They plead with the older man, ow man, you never live like dis, is why you have to have dis man around.

The older man says things like ‘yes, yes.. I know, I know’. The neighbours talk and talk but nothing seems to happen.

One neighbour has had a conversation about getting away with murder with the younger man but that has not seemed to result in behaviour change. The younger man has also said loudly ‘ Yall could sen’ me to jail if yall want’ and neighbours imagine what is said quietly.

There is no evidence yet that the younger man has hit the older man.

There is no evidence that the two men have a sexual relationship.

Neighbours are fed up. The woman on Facebook also seemed fed up -she was trying to get police to come to stop a man from abusing his wife. She said that she had talked to the woman but “this woman is making a choice now, wid all dem services dat around, she doan have to stay”

Physical violence and other “co-oercive controlling” behaviours

A woman said that she could deal with the blows, because she could identify and name the violence and find ways of avoiding them. The words and other things though hurt more and were more difficult to identify.

Abusive behaviour includes physical violence, sexual violence, financial abuse, abuse of the justice system, threats and a range of other behaviours described in the Power and Control Wheel and in the web of abuse. The intention of the abuse is to exert control.

The behaviours are similar to the behaviours used by state authorities who torture citizens to break them down.

There are good times and moments of remorse in the pattern of abuse and violence. It is not always bad. Some people though, while enjoying the good, have to live in anticipation of the bad.

The younger man used to lift the older man up the stairs. Sometimes they sit outside and chat, older man in wheel chair, younger man on the ground playing with the dog.

Neighbours say ‘ah he want am suh’ (He wants it so), he ah get money, he nah need nuttin’. 

Frustration.

Friends and family are often frustrated – ‘Why is she staying, why doesn’t she leave, I fed up, she gun lef in she coffin’ “Why he don’t knack she back”, “How he does tek duh from a woman”

The responsibility for the abusive behaviour is misplaced . The responsibility for ending the abusive behaviour is also misplaced. The question should be ‘What are the factors which are trapping you in this situation?’ and “How could I help to change how those factors trap you?”

Empathetic counselling is intended to give any survivor of abuse a space to move from the fear and confusion and anger and hopelessness to thinking about safety and well being. This means working out ways to overcome the entrapment factors.

“Love, fear, hope for change… “

A group of people listed the factors which trap women in abusive situations. A woman objected to ‘low self esteem’. She was quiet and her contributions to the discussion had been active.

She explained “Yall don’t understand, you are in the church leadership, your husband in the church, you can’t destroy all of that, it is not low self esteem, it is those expectations’ .

The list of factors which trap (and not ‘reasons why people stay’ ) is different for everyone. Helpers might laugh and cuss at some of them. The factor ‘Our religion says to stay’ could result in ‘Find another God who gun tell you to lef.. dey have nuff religion out deh’

Helping is allowing a survivor to express their feelings without being judged. This list of things is not exhaustive :-

• fear (many women have been killed when they want to leave or after leaving)
• lack of economic support and alternatives
• lack of information on legal options
• God says to stay
• Pastor/pandit/priest says to stay
• Shame
• Hope that things will change
• Visa,papers about to come through
• “I don’t want to put dem chirren fadder in jail”
• Nowhere to go
• No energy to move, disability for other reasons
• Love
• What will happen to the children?
• He richer than me, he can take away the children
• Nobody will believe me, he is a big man/ people believe women
• We don’t believe in divorce
• This is okay, is just ‘wan wan’ time
• I can’t leave dis house/business which I build..

and many others

There are some factors which have relate to the society, some which relate to the community and family and some which relate to the individual.

Helping

The place is quiet. The older man in the wheel chair said that the younger man has gone, but he does not know where. He did not chase him out or tell him to leave. His neighbours sigh. Temporary relief.

No one has asked about what prevents the man from chasing out the young man who cusses him and threatens to kill him.

Any person who wants to help in domestic violence has to take on the responsibility to understanding the factors which cause entrapment. Counselling involves listening.

Police have complained that they cannot warn even though they are asked to do so. Some police do warn and do referrals if asked to do so.

Safety planning is key if a person decides that time is not right to leave. Safety planning includes talking about self defence and ways of subduing a perpetrator without murder or manslaughter. (A recent news item from Australia shows the complex consequences of responding to violence with violence)

Perpetrators have to be held accountable and responsible for their behaviour. There is danger in counselling philosophies which tells some abusers that they are victims of circumstances and hence not responsible for their abusive behaviour.

Domestic violence and abuse causes trauma, and different people have different responses to trauma. Helpers should not be frustrated when survivors take time to consider different options.

Helpers should remember to focus on safety and to provide support which will increase well-being.

Helping

• Help & Shelter – 225-4731, 227-3454
• Roadside Baptist Skills Training Centre (Region 6) – 338-4215/4213
• The Guyana Inter-agency Suicide Helpline operates 24 hours, and is organised by the Guyana Police Force.
  • Telephone -223-0001, 223-0009, 223-0818
  • Cellphone – 600-7896, 623-4444