Lace, fruitcake and tangerine a year later...

 

 

 Lace

I wake up at 4am on the day when the 'putting away' would have been completed with headache, nausea. 

The year shraad has been completed. I am grateful that all cleaning done in time, all rituals completed even in the sadness as another chacha has died. 

The two night satsangh was good but the memories of all the other janjhat come back and stress manifested itself

You would not be pleased that I decided to just stay away from the rest of the funeral rites for the chacha, but this year, this time, I do not want headache and nausea.

Moving around 4am and I decide, yep. put back the lace tablecloth and the red Christmas placemats.

Last year, the table was bare, no cloth, but some of the items needed to provide the care to you in your last days.

Today as I write this a year later , remembering at this time you had pulled out the feeding tube, refusing all food, and then Yamraj took you Christmas Eve night.  

So 4am on the putting away day, I clean the table and so, and unwrap the plastic and the lace and the mats which have been hidden for two years. 

There is no mouldy smell.

I fix in the middle as you would have wanted, make sure things are symmetrical. Headache and nausea did ease up as I moved around and shifted memories from jhanjhat to the Christmas preparation.

Realisiing that time and memory mean that it is possible to feel sorrow and invoke joy around the same time using different memories.

 I found some of the test crochet things and the balls of red and gold thread and the knitting hooks and the cryptic patterns in your handwriting. 

You must have written those codes with ease, accustomed to the numbers and signs, your notes for teaching had those maths signs and symbols.  

I put them on the lace too.  

Everything looks nice, softened with the fabric and brightened with the colours.

 Fruit cake

 "Vidya, come help with the washing up.. and you have plenty lickings here' you would say after you put the cakes in the oven.  Sometimes if I was not at home, I would miss out on the lickings of the cake batter.

Thank God I used to hover around the kitchen, not getting in the way. Back in the day there was a mill to grind fruits and so.

Baking day, 22nd Dec. Friday. 

I read the recipe in your hand writing, for the basic sponge. 

I forgot you used to average how much fruit to put in, so I have to average now. 

Last year, this Friday , I was feeling hopeful that there was a path to comfort after a preliminary conversation with a doctor whose mother had given me a nice chunk of black cake and I had enjoyed because the AIC was normal and I felt I could consume sugar as I wanted.

We did not bake cake last year. 

This year, baking though, cupcake rather than cake but your recipe and my averages. Thinking of the old rusty dark pan which used to bake wonderfully but I do not trust the cake to stay high in the middle.if I use it.

Doing my own thing. 

Not much batter as I have nice silicone spatula which scrapes out everything. I leave a bit though. It doesn't feel right not to have lickings. 'Too much gun give you belly wuk with the raw flour and so"

Put the cupcakes in the oven, thinking to wash wares while they bake.

I can't though. 

Glad for the mindfulness to breathe, walk, message the friend ,  as the memories of the Christmas with your voice does not merge well with the present day reality that your voice is gone even if your handwriting is present.

Tangerine

I wake up on the day a year after you died , place kind of cloudy.  Cake and coffee before going to the market. Christmas breakfast for me

Early to avoid rush if I could.

The chacha who died used to bring apples, pear, grapes and walnuts today or Christmas Eve. He used  buy wholesale and then share around to everyone. 

There are lots of grapes, apples, walnuts at Mon Repos market.  

I used to gorge on satsumas in the UK around Christmas.. my Christmas fruit in Guyana is tangerine if the season is good.

I like the energy and vibe in Mon Repos and Bourda Markets.

Laughing at a sign inside the market ;Welcome to Dubai market; and anotehr sign saying 'Haiti market is outside'.. apparently the nice new market is finished but the vendors have to all come back in at the same time or unfair competition with the road.  The quiet inside the new market very different from the noisy hustle outside.

Dubai vs Haiti. 

Some people have laid out the rugs and carpets on the tables intended for the fish vendors and for one wild moment, you could imagine being in the Middle East somewhere. 

A vendor laughs as I refuse the plastic bag. 

I go outside in the "Haiti market'.

Woman calls out to me. I have not seen her for over a year, the bananas she had always cheaper than the rest..

This time tangerine. I decide to leave wallet open and forget those other happy Christmas memories of tangerines giving away for 12 for $100 .. now is 10 for $1000.  

Other kinds of mourning and lamenting. A traveller from Iraq via USA asked me how do locals manage with the cost of living in Guyana.

I see more tangerines, the small ones, sweet. not the dancy oranges .  I buy some , not sure. Can't always tell with tangerines. Tangerines are funny, they don't last too long. And in this weird weather, some could be sour. And I learn now, that I can't eat as  much as I used to even if I want to. 

I buy more because last year I did not have tangerines at Christmas.  

Come home and tasted , honey seeping out and the fragrance all over. 

I  wished I had bought more.

Because who knows what next Christmas would bring.