Konfidenshal: Report from GuyBai Intelligence Agency

 

(The contents of this report are konfidenshal . Please do not throw this report in the garbage because you don't know when City Council will clear i. Please also do not burn this paper as it is made from high grade marijuana . Please also do not eat this report. )

From: GuybaiIA

To: Pappa Prezzy and Baba Prezzy (we are still to work out who is the President to send our reports to)

Subject: Report on Month 1

1. Recruitment of Direktor

The Direktor has been recruited after some difficulties as Baba Prezzy wanted an intelligent person who was versed in the art of espionage, while Papa Prezzy wanted someone who would take orders and be loyal and have dirty secrets. 

They then agreed on a suitable person who had worked on a Ponzi scheme and know how to convince everyone that they have what they want.

 

2. Recruitment of Agents

Somebody thought that since this was an 'intelligence agency' that we wanted the bestest and brightest that Guybai has to offer. We tested all applicants.

Those scoring high on intelligence were removed as there were no guarantees that they would take orders from PexPexPon or the other stakeholders who need the intelligence we provide.

We rejected those who could sing all four verses of the National Anthem from memory. We put them on a watchlist since they would put country first before self and PexPexPon and so on.

The others we put through the lie detector test as mandated by law. 

We removed those who were obviously lying.

We removed those who told the truth. 

We kept those who lied without causing any blips on the lie detector in line with standard political and intelligence protocol.

We checked all social media accounts and kept those persons who have been offering praises to you both.

2. Dress Code

We lost a few more agents when we explained that the dress code is not nice tuxedos and expensive suits like what we see in 007 movies.  

The agents  would not blend in with the targets of the surveillance since we know we will not be spying on people who dress up in nice tuxedos and expensive suits. Rather they would have to wear appropriate clothes to blend in with the threats to the country, Government PexPexPon , nation, Guybai

 3.Transport

We lost a few agents when they realised they would not be travelling with the latest fancy vehicles with tinted windows and so. Our experts advised that the roads are two constricted so there was a need to  run fast, jump over cars and buildings.

Or if they have to move in vehicles, to select the minibuses which manage to drive through traffic at the edges of roads and so on and which are never caught by the police.

 We have recruited experts from Bollywood, Hollywood and China to teach us how to fly.

 4. Inter-agency co-operation

We had cordial meeting and gave the  police and the army a tour of the facilities. We then scanned the building for electronic devices . 

We found one which we identified was being left by the police. The battery was not working. We left it there for the next time they visit to replace the battery.

We found a  bug left by the army and moved it to the toilet.

We recognise that  all intelligence agencies, we have to keep an eye on each other.

5.Invisibility

There have been no complaints from outsiders. We had one issue. An agent who was sent to review the neighbourhood stopped to buy a mix cane and ginger juice. He told the vendor to mix it 'shaken but not stirred'. 

The man said oh, you are one of the new agents in that spy building.

Another agent went to buy egg ball and sour from a lady at the corner. 

He told her"You have to eat a piece first so I could know dat I wouldn get belly wuk or dead" . We heard the lady's curses in our soundproof room built by reputable contractors recommended by the public works folks.

6. Threats

We were initially confused as we thought oil spill and climate change and so on were threats to sekyurity. 

However, we have listened carefully to both of you as you have identified the individuals and organisations who pose threats and have worked them into our framework with agencies in other countries who will help us keep any eye. 

So we don't have much more work to do here. We recognise that people are turning on each other with violence but that is not for us to deal with since the interpersonal violence poses no threat to PexPexPon, and provides distractions.

We have not seen any evidence of racial unity, or people reading at the level they supposed to be reading or quoting what's his name.. Rodney, or joining mass calls for climate justice, good governance and democracy and those things which could threaten PexPexPon .

End of report.