Gift of crying unexpectedly after cooking roti


Busy day ahead. Got tasks lined up. Cook roti to put in freezer and so. Yoga routine, other things. Grateful that I seem to be moving on with things. 

Strange week as pleasure in reconnections and new connections comes with the sadness and loss of  what might have been as the reasons for disconnections come up. But spending some time in reconciling the 'I told you so' to myself with the 'It doesn't matter now'

Mix up roti Mindless and mindful. New mix from the days when I used to cook roti for my parents. Special mix, and the anxiety that it would be soft and manageable for them. Until it no longer was soft and manageable and I stopped. 

As I piece out the loi, roll it imperfectly as it doesn't matter to me.. memories of calling my mother to say 'it is ready'. As she would then stand and use her hands to make the same sized round smooth balls and call me to say she is done.   I took a picture one time. Laid out in neat rows.

I have done this for myself many times. So I do the sada roti, tawa, microwave.. it is not swelling but I don't mind as long as it will be edible, chewable.  Mind on other tasks for the day

Memory of my mother saying  the roti was okay, until she said it was not okay. And of feeling a bit useless because our duties to parents and so on.  And being consumed in those duties and realising that death comes at the end, and sometimes suffering and that some activities are not meant to result in growth and nurturing.

Back hurting a bit. I exhale. Body a bit tense, mind a bit stiff . Glad that I could do the yoga.  Sit on floor to move side to side, to breathe to get ready for the yoga. 

And start crying, and I keep swaying side to side and trying to breathe , part of me going .. let it flow, keep breathing, keep moving, keep crying..the other part of me going Vidya what the hell is wrong with you..  Part of me saying like your tear ducts aint block up.. let it clean out. And got RAIN in my head while thinking now is not the time to investigate but I gotta 'Allow' and Nurture and then maybe investigate later.

Like if I take some senna pod for the soul.

Back pain eases. Crying stops and I continue the yoga routine.  One part of mind focussing on breath, stretching .. feeling pain go.

The other part of my mind analysing, investigating. (RAIN thing REco  I have made the roti since the funeral, I have cried since the funeral.. 

And then I stop questioning, as I realise that I have completed all the postures, the body feels lighter. Mind feels lighter. 

I do the savasansa . the corpse pose. Thinking of the losses and there is no change in breathing, no stiffening of the body.

Grateful for the gift that crying happened after cooking the roti and before I completed the yoga and continued the day.

 

 

Featiure image by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

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