When nice men abuse women and children
Nice men
A man in his thirties kills himself and his wife.
My social media friends has a whole set of shock and condolences, disbelief.. for the man who was a nice helpful sociable man who was kind to many other people.
There are hints of 'she mussee do somethign fuh mek he trip out'..
Other nice polite men, helpful men, powerful men are abusers , but people still vote for them, put them as the leaders. The nice army man. The nice Minister of Health who people voted back in power. The nice President now Vice-President. The other Ministers and politicians and church leaders and business leaders and entertainers and activists for democracy and so on.
Some of the nice men join with President Ali's Men on Mission.
The University of Guyana hosted a forum on 2 December, 2022 to talk about men ending gender based violence. The questions which they hoped the panel would answer included:
- What role do you feel men should play in ending gender based violence?
- How do you think men can work to help make a difference in the field of GBV prevention and awareness?
- What are some ways men can prevent violence in society?
- Do you believe that Guyanese men Can indeed disrupt tolerance for violence and if so what do you propose as some interventions?
- What services are available and accessible to support men who find themselves in GBV situations?
- Religion plays an important role in teaching, educating and modeling values, How do you propose religion could help men to Disrupt Tolerance for GBV?
- How do you see the 16 days of GBV making a difference in the alleviation of GBV?
- How do you believe Men as Civil Society Leaders could make a difference in the alleviation of GBV?
- What tools could men adapt to hold themselves and peers accountable for complicity towards GBV?
There are no easy answers to these questions.
This is what I have learned so far..
Guyanese men can..
A woman told me after a phone conversation that I reminded her of an abusive ex-boyfriend. I was not aware that I wanted to be abusive or violent. She offered me opportunities for redemption which I did not take . A man I loved who I think is not afraid of anyone also told me he was afraid of me after some disagreements. He had resumed contact, said he was no longer afraid, then broke off contact after saying he was afraid again.
I am concerned about gender based violence and domestic violence. I accepted that my behaviour was abusive to the woman and to the man.
I have learned to be open to feedback about my behaviour. I stopped drinking liquor when women spoke about the connection between liquor and the violence they experienced, and I realised that my participation in Guyana's liquor culture even if I did not become a violent drunk, contributes to the problem.
Other Guyanese men have been checking themselves, speaking out, getting help.
One thing any man , nice or otherwise can do, is to check their behaviour and attitudes. We can't ask other men to do what we are not doing.
Listening to women, survivors and giving space
Many survivors as they tell their stories are told that they are liars, that the nice men, popular men are not bad. That there are 'political' and other targets.
In addition to learning and understanding the dynamics of gender based violence, Guyanese men who want to do something should listen to survivors, understand how the system discriminates against women.
Many Guyanese men do not harass women or men on the road. Many of us though are silent when we hear it happening, accepting it as normal unless we know the woman or girl who is the target of the harassment.
Many of us are surprised when they hear that women and girls do not think sexual harassment are compliments.
Pulling up your bredren..
A lot of us men don't like to be told what to do, and realise that pulling up bredren is an occassion for a fight. But we have to find ways of talking to men, nice men and other men, about violence, trauma, getting help, healing.
Men have been killing their drinking buddies and beating up their friends after 'arguments'.
One man told me about having to end his friendship with a brilliant popular man after he realised that man was abusive to his wife and children. The man said that even as the brilliant abuser had explained 'his side' of the story.. he realised that the man was manipulative.
So is a risk to pull your your bredren.
And there is a risk of not doing anything when the bredren then fall down and pull others down with them.
Accountability
So is the personal, holding up each other. But there is the political - recognising that men abusing women is part of a larger system which has tolerated that the masculine must be more powerful and dominant than anything else which is not masculine.
Accountability is important for all us, and understanding our histories and cultures which lead to the nice men abusing, and killing women. Histories of colonisation , of watching how men in suits run things (with women who also want to be like them), of destroying the earth and the environment as a way of conquest.
Transforming cultures
Some men have joined with women to challenge the religious views which uphold sexism and put 'men' above women or say that women only good to be mothers. Other men are looking at the way advertising work, the media works and getting involved.
Other men have stopped beating children and have called for others to stop beating children as a form of violence.
Men who have experienced abuse and violence from other men, from women, from their communities need support to heal.
Some men have recognised that this is not just about the one nice man going to therapy so he doesn't kill himself or his partner. That in addition to healing the abusers,we have to transform the culture which makes it good for nice men to abuse women and children, and for other nice people to seek to control or dominate others.
Some resources
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