Breathing like a corpse and 10 other resolutions for 2022...

First time making New Year's Resolutions. The times though seem to call for them. The pandemic continues. The PNC and PPP will intensify divisions in the oil rich democracy as their way of survival is to  destroy each other while the oil exploiters take the oil away and leave debt and inequality behind.

1. Breathing like a corpse 

The Savasana pose - the corpse pose- looks like the easiest yoga one.. lie down and breathe while scanning the body to release the tensions. But it is not so easy. The the mind is taken away from things which might seem important to focus on the breath and the body. And so breathing as a corpse, being a corpse is a way of grounding and also being away and detached. And encouraging others to do the same.

2. Sankalp सङ्कल्प)

Morning is rough , moon is moving. Feet are sluggish. Deep inside I think as soon as I get home, I need to do the yoga routine. Most outside thinking nah.. go chill out, eat, take a break, place cold. The sankalp, the intention though seems to win over.. as the body moves through the postures and breaths. The tasks which seemed difficult are now done with ease. There is something about defining this intention, which is not really a goal, difficult to explain - maybe the planting of a seed which might or not might no grow, but the intention to stand outside the divisions, the intention to love and not hate.. to not eat sugar.. to not feel bad when sometimes the sugar is eaten. 

3. Wellness is the journey..

I hear the phrase and listen while in the past I would have rolled my eyes. This year as I worked on 'achieving' numbers on the diabetic spectrum, I realised that there will be no final state which says that 'is okay, you can go back to enjoying your sweet tooth and so".. but rather that the numbers remain steady only if the diet and exercise and breathing are maintained... and managing the body each day. 

Wellness  I found means different things different days like being able to do the tasks I thought I could not do, or taking time to enjoy the turpentine mango on a busy morning and not do the tasks which could be postponed. 

Dr Gabrielle Hosein posted a question asking 'What if we focused on well-being instead of achievement? and I think of this as that there are some achievements which apparently come with 'sacrifice' and so on, while I think of the others in which the journey and the interactions and lessons in getting to the achievement and ways of not 'sacrificing' but rather exchanging with the Universe so that the achievement becomes the least important thing

4. Gratitude

Walking on the seawall Christmas Day and started to feel sad as I am walking a bit slowly on the  route I used to run. 

Then I think heck no, no.. be grateful for the breeze, for the lil break in the rain to come out and do the ritual even as other rituals like the ginger beer in the old jar have stopped. 

It is okay, that things which used to be done can no longer be done.. be grateful for what you can do. Feel sad about the rubbish on the seawall.. if anything..

Gratitude is also ot taking anything for granted like feeling cold water on the skin and remembering the instructions another time when there was a bandage to 'not bathe' but wipe.. for breath and breathing..

Gratitude at the time when the tangerine dissolves its sweetness in the mouth during the too short  Christmas tangerine season.. as other times the tangerine is dry when the price is high or not available..

Gratitude for the periods of no pain without painkillers as the body now manifests the stress and dysfunction of five decades..

5.Sharing laughter across differences

The woman who said she was tired on Christmas Eve laughed the loudest of the three women, Some stupidness I said as we stood around the market stall.

Me and three women, black women, grandmothers, older than me, voting differently from me, praying differently from me.

In that moment of sharing laughter across the differences, sending some alternative vibes from what comes out of the national leadership. 

Laughter too as a different reaction from anger - like when I laughed at the Universe for sending me a job opportunity to work on an assignment that I had cussed up. Laughing instead of cussing the Universe.

Shared laughter in other spaces, with strangers many times.

6. Healing in Community

The shared laughter is part of healing in community.  2021 provided me with many opportunities to bei n community with strangers and talk and laugh across differences, to share pain and celebrate journeys to healing. (So Zoom and Goolge Meet helped a lot). And so onversations in Guyana about healing in community or even how healing is to be done. We are left on our own, find our own therapists pay if you could. One man told me of his struggles with recovering from the benzodiapene medication on a misdiagnosed health issue. He convened a small support group of others with mental health issues and hopes to continue being in community as he  heals.

A woman asks me why I am not joining the religious class. I recognise that even as I am committed to community, that I have to know the nature of the interaction. And that at this time, the wonderful class of knowledgeable and friendly people is not what I am seeking. I should probably dip in though to remain engaged. I am grateful to all those who have been in community with me.  

7. Unloving and loving

The dream is vivid. Something has fallen on the loved one who shuns me. There are scars on the body. And burns. A sheet is draped over the body to cover the burns. 

I know, not to email or reach out across the space or over the walls between us. 

Dreams mean  nothing really. There have been other dreams and I forgot them.I have done well in staying away. But the body which had been close to me, hugging, with the scars and the burns.

Love is like that and the email is written to check.. , sent. No expectations.

Reply received. joyous news that all is well. And a trigger of the reason for the space. 

I write another email sent to deal with the trigger.. repeating cycle instead of moving forward. Unloving now instead of loving and understanding the space.

I exhale breathe, say is okay to unlove what had been loved. That as I disengage from what is not good for me, so the loved one has detached from me.

And in accepting that some loves will not be, space is created for other things which are.. like the reinforcement of love  from other loved ones on the day of no response

9 Accountability

I have not lost anything by being accountable to any one who has questioned me about anything. I  will also demand accountability from those around me who are interacting with me and I know that in the unloving , that the loved one does not accountable to be me.  

A friend shares one of Professor Loretta Ross' discussions on calling in and calling out, and the ways in which we can do accountability apart from cussing out. And I think of a thing which I have to write over and how to move on this, and let people know that I am open to being called out, called in or called on.  

And that even with an intention of  do no harm, it is possible that harm could be done and that that connection must be open to manage the harm.

10. Creating and exploring 

4am. I can't sleep so I am reading a young adult Bengali muslim queer love story set in Dublin. Thanks to the book club. On the Kindle. This is new for me. Like listening to Professor Loretta Ross and others and learning new things. There is a question line in my journal 'what have you learned or done differently today'. Some days there isn't anything to write. Today it will be 'I gave a turmeric plant to a 16 year old hoping he could use it to get turmeric for his skin condition' .  His doctors recommended turmeric soap and so for him, but did not tell him about the plant. (We need to have other conversations in our health centres about the health gardens to plant while the PNC and PPP fight over the oil money).

11. Transforming and taking each day as it comes..

30 years ago I would never have imagined writing what I just wrote, or think it. There was purposeful living of job, salary,  house, etc. Didn't think the body would change and that the mind had to change to adjust. The prayers have changed.. no longer praying for things but using the prayer time to say thanks and to also hope to the Universe that I could adjust to what ever could come. The loved one in the email had asked ' how things' and I replied 'taking each day as it comes.. ' which is not what I would have written and a part of me is still shocked that I wrote this instead of the list of achievements for 2021 to take into 2022.

I have no clue what I will achieve next year - (except for the Book club books .. the only certainty and even up to 2023.. ) but I hope that whatever comes, that my body and breath and mind could work in sync with the Universe.