Dear PAIN, I embrace you to let you go..

 

Dear PAIN, I embrace you to let you go. 

I felt you coming and was worried as you appeared in the sides of my waist and I thought of kidney stones and prostate issues and wondered why the pain was there not going away no matter how much I breathed and stretched. 

I did not think of the triggers of squabbles with the patient, the brief sad exchange with the loved one , the work thing.. the loss of the last tooth to crunch on.. the transformer which keeps blowing.. the other things .. 

But I was thinking of those things and in thinking of those things you creeped up slowly, crowded from waist to back to shoulders..

The interview and then the offer of the job and saying yes when thinking 'are you sure you want this janjhat' and not feeling the excitement which comes with possibility but dreading all the things which could go wrong..

and so PAIN  you flowed all over.. head to shoulders.. both shoulders.. each site in the pain a site associated with one of the triggers which I did not think about even though I was thinking about..

and as I walked with you I realised.. you will not leave with killers of PAIN, but instead of killing you, I had to embrace you .. to acknowledge that you are a manifestation of all the stress from the triggers.. that you were embracing me from head, shoulders, back, knees ankles.. slowing down.. not going away with stretches..

I had to embrace you to know that you will come every time now that I lapse into uncertainty and doubt and fatigue and that since I cannot eat sugar and I cannot crunch that you will come and be there..

and in embracing you PAIN, as part of me and the nerves and muscles which have never fully relaxed or the inflammation never leaving..

I accept,, and I laugh as I accept .. instead of fighting you PAIN I say yes.. this why you are here

 I remember that you go after I embrace you ,, that you go as I talk and laugh; and the therapist in the market says to me.. go do what you have to.. stop taking on and I smile and say I think that I not taking on but my body does..

And then I stop thinking of you.. breathe deeply and stretch.. do not think of you or the spots where you are strongest.. but breathe and stretch just so that i could breathe and stretch and remembering the advice.. do not breathe and stretch if you feel PAIN, but then I say.. you are there anyways..

that part of the thing is that I try to feel you even when you are not there.. when you are gone.. because the mind is like that.. I remember you PAIN.. 

and as I accept, realise, learn.. go down.. I am grateful.. that I could do what I could, that the poses are holding longer..

and when it is all done.. I feel you again in that one spot in the shoulder where you hold on.. the COVID spot i say near the vaccine..

and then I realise you have gone..   you will come back some time, I know.. but you have gone.. .. I have let you go..