Stop blaming mothers when men abuse children..

 

 Mothers..

"Hi Mr Kissoon.. " the woman smiles at me. My shoulders tense up. Social gathering for a baby's christening. Woman calls out to her daughter.. "come come.. see Mr Kissoon' .My head goes.. no no.. , smile is on my face.

"Tell Mr Kissoon how you doing.. ' woman tells the child  who is not looking at me., body language showing discomfort. 'Okay' she says. I say.. .look how place hot eh.. . how you doing.. to the smiling mother.

I met the child and her mother 12 months or so before the christening. The woman had brought her child for counselling (frontline). 'Her father want to sex with her.. I trying to tell her to bear up and that I would not leave her at home.. is since she was 5 years old .. but I trying to leave and go away and he supposed to go away.. but i hope you could counsel her.." 

I am horrified at the mother. Face calm thinking of the 'non-judgemental thing' . Trying to listen to the child, while not hating the mother. Thinking of the man. Feeling equal, probably more anger at the woman than the man. 

Child tells me she had tried to take a knife one time, but the her father knocked the knife out her hand. She was supposed to get fees for exams and he wanted 'something' for the fees. At some point I tell the child.. kick your father between his legs. The child smiled a bit at the thought. 

Some women tell me I should have shown the child how to kick her father. I don't know what to say about the mother. I never counsel a child again.

This was before the Protection of Children Act 2009 which required mandatory reporting.

Blaming mothers

In December 2020, there was a news headline "Mothers are the leading perpetrators of child abuse "

There was one woman who had beaten and then dumped her child in a swamp. I know, women abuse children. Men abuse children.  Women and men are not supposed to abuse children. 

The journalists wrote the headline after reading the data from the Childcare and Protection Agency.  There is no headline like 'Mothers are the leading caregivers, teachers, nurses of children and others'

In January 2021, the Ministry of Human Services  in presenting some reports on the data, noted that

"Troubled by this revelation, Minister Persaud made an impassioned plea to these mothers, who may be driven by economic hardship and financial opportunism, to “be very careful of the persons that you let into your homes.”

“You are exposing your children to the unknown, and you’re placing your children sometimes in harm’s way. Be very conscious of your child’s whereabouts and with whom you leave your child with,” she appealed.  "

I reached out to Salima Hinds, mother, Gender and Development specialist,  to see if I was the only one thinking something was wrong with the Ministry's blaming of mothers . 

She said " yes as moms we have to be careful who we let around our children. But this hyper-vigilance is taxing and affects our ability to seek support. Instead the focus should be on demanding men not take advantage of economically vulnerable families, not groom and abuse little girls and boys."

Men and the abuse of children

The Ministry reported that 1189 mothers, women , perpetrated abuse in 2020. Were the corresponding 1189 fathers , men , non-abusive? Were they the ones who reported the abuse? Were they taking care of the children now? 

I think of the woman and the child from years ago. The woman did not let the man into the house. They were living in a shared house, a home, in a society which says that no matter what, stay in the family, pray, keep it together.

The Ministry of Human Services did not call out to men to stop abusing children, to stop neglecting children. The Ministry of Human Services did not ask fathers to protect their children - 'to see who coming into the house'

Instead though, the language to blame mothers - not only those who are identified as abusers, but also those who are witnesses was used.

Universe is something else. For months and years after the woman brought the child for counselling to deal with the father, I meet the mother many times.. smile and say how you do. One time she tells me her daughter has moved away. And the husband has gone.I learn more from others, of the choices made, of wanting to kill abusers but 'who gun look after de chirren if I in jail?' , of trying to protect children from abusers by 'not leaving them alone at home'.. 

A nurse in a workshop on child abuse asks me 'So, I have my children alone at home when I working nights.. dat is neglect? ' Another woman tells me.. better the children are alone at home, than alone with a man who might interfere with them.. 

But the graphs, numbers and headlines do not reflect these stories.