The blessing of the jazz after morning prayers and impossible love

 

 
 
Morning after a good night for a change. Expectations, anxieties. All of a sudden again, multiple assignments, deadlines. 
 
Do the morning rituals, the prayers.  Do them not so deeply though, but do them as rituals. I pray for wisdom. I don't worry to pray for anything really because well that is not how prayers work.

Come on Facebook. No messages from the impossible love.  Felt the twinge of sadness, then laughing.  yeah.. you is a big man now, you know this game. And you know.. you  know.. be grateful.. no matter how worthy the object of love.. the spontaneous shared vulnerability "i need your help to get me through this difficult moment / phase" .. that came from a place of in this moment, accessing your listening skills, your unconditional affirmations, your being far away.. and not your desirability or skills at foreplay or potential for orgasms..

Come on Facebook. Clicking around.... come to the article about Nubya Garcia.  Click on the video link for Source
 
 
Early in the morning, should be starting the day with big projects and ideas, and knowing what the plans are but everything is in the air.  Sounds start off, slow, nice.. mellow... deep.. gentle... feel like a kind of massaging of the soul for some reason.. back to me.




 
 
And as I listen to the sounds.. in the morning, letting go of the anxiety of the work ahead. That I will not make it or deliver according to the deadlines. Thinking that I can plan the work, take the risks, deal with consequences... much as I took the risk of being accountable to the impossible love and saying, clumsily..  I am feeling attractions which might obstruct my ability to help you now.
 
And thinking of the other risks which I am taking, which might not work, but listening to these beats..moving.. that risks are okay, that not working is okay too.
 
Celebrating the conversation with a man who doing things, who surviving the political turmoil, who creating and innovating. Celebrating the conversation with a woman who come back to Guyana and taking her time with things. Remembering that after the breaking down of the spirit in the last few months, that finding spirit too, building spirit is work. Celebrating the conversation with people who say they tired and hoping that some energy was created.

And as the sounds of the sax flow, raise.... I feel a kind of lifting from the Source, and finding back the Source too..
 
Celebrating the impossible love, that the glimpses into the life which increase the sexiness, that hey.. you are resilient, self reliant, you never really needed me.. and that the goal of 'therapy' is to remove dependence on a 'therapist'.   And that I can laugh at myself, rather than kick myself over and over that how the hell, committed single man that I am.
 
And knowing that more than the orgasms which will not happen, that the end of  the messages are about the need fulfilled. And love is celebrating that too.. and love is celebration, it is rest, it is connection, it is disconnection when needed, it is accountability, it is honesty.
 
And it is gratitude for blessings of jazz to uplift with the prayers.
 
 

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