5 lessons from being an emotionally vulnerable man in Guyana

"Women don't want men to be emotionally vulnerable...women want strong men.." was a message from a video of two men talking about women and the men who might talk about their emotions (apart from anger, rage and lust). 

I like to think that I am open with my emotions, too open most times to the point of being a bore to whoever is listening. But I have not locked down though , even though I know a few people probably wish I could. Here are the lessons on my mind

1. Risk
I tell a man I am tired about the caregiving duties and the man yells at me, curses, calls me a hypocrite. The buse out leaves me tired, fatigued and I tell another man , an almost stranger, the next day I wish I was dead and the man tells me not to worry, take it easy 'dont tink about duh'

Yeah, it is a risk to be emotionally vulnerable, to talk about how you feeling and about pain, trauma, and about fears. It is a risk to express emotions other than anger and rage (or selective sadness at certain losses). In my messed up head though, about being a man, risk is part of what I do and have done. And so I say to hell with the world, with whatever, and take the risk to talk about depression, to talk about feeling in love and feeling a fool for being in love. And for suffering the losses which come. And the gains. Gains which mean that in talking to myself and a few others , I don't meltdown. I don't have to explode every now and then, I don't have to pretend to anyone to be anything else. Gains which are about being able to get through things which I think I can't do.


2. Friends and lovers are not therapists
An intense few days and I am yearning to talk to someone who would understand. I think about reaching out to a friend who is very supportive and  helpful, but not at times when she is dealign with her own loss. And then I say in my head, work this out on your own, do the things you need to do, write in the journal or on the blog, what you would tell her. And then I don't feel the desperate need to talk to her about this, and we actually talk about other things.
 Some of the men in the video said when they told women about their losses and so, the women didn't really want to hear more. Human reality is that empathy and compassion are not always celebrated. A date can't be a therapy session. And some people can handle processing of emotions and pain and loss and trauma, while others cannot so. So I have lost friends and lovers as I confess to my emotional needs and problems, and I also have a deeper appreciation for those who remain.And for the strangers who listen from time to time.


3. Being emotionally vulnerable is for me, not for anyone else
I am open about my emotions , not to please anyone else, or to convince anyone else I am a good man, or that I could be a good husband, or to emotionally blackmail anyone. It is for my own good, that I have to be open about how I am feeling. So yes, I know when I have a long monologue in answer to 'How are you?" , it is not socially good, at least I know that I have no problem saying how I am doing. And it is not about the mix of good and bad, about the ups and the downs , it is the being stuck, moving , and coming back. And I could write the blog of course if no one wants to hear. It doesn't matter to me who wants me to be vulnerable or not.


4. Privilege
Does my privilege - middle class, male, some education, mostly able bodied - make it easier for me to be honest about my emotions? That the consequences of loss will be felt by me mostly and not say the spouse and children I do not have, or the employees who are not depending on me for wages, or any other thing? That I do the kind of work which does not require me to be tough, or strong or to appear tough or strong? I know that some men have to hide their emotions, their 'weaknesses' to maintain their privilege, but would I be as emotionally vulnerable if I truly felt that the risk was the loss of this privilege?

And in being open, honest with my own emotions, there have been times when others have opened up, and I realise that being a part of the Universe also means giving back, listening, and affirming.

5. Strength and power, not weakness
A man I love writes in frustration "Every time you tell me I am a survivor, I feel like you are telling me I am broken soul, stop making me feel that way". It is difficult. I try to explain that I think he is strong, that nothing wrong with being a broken soul. And there is everything good about fixing it.

We are so obsessed with strength vs weakness. I know that I am cursing my body which can't seem to walk as fast as the school children walking near me. I am cursing the weakness that can't see me pushing my physical boundaries.


At the same time , I accept the 'weakness' , temporary it might be, to feel fear, to feel uncertain and anxious, and then recognise that there is a strength and power in acknowledging those emotions, confessing them, and then moving to a different place, a better place.