Tomatoes and thyme on the tawa after a long time..

"Is what you doing now.. is a long time we aint picket" the man asked me. My head was down, trying to sort out what I had to buy and to do so quickly.  The man was wearing orange sneakers. bright orange sneakers.

He had on three quarter length pants, tee shirt. The first time the man and I had met me about 10 years ago, he was wearing a brown suit, and a white hard hat helmet. He had asked me if I was Vidyaratha Kissoon and I was worried that he might attack me. He asked me twice, both times pronouncing my name correctly. The only other person to do that was my secondary school English teacher.  He had told me he read my letters in the papers.

Another time I saw him, he was cursing loudly, raging. People were staying far from him.

"When was the last time.. oh yes, for that chap that get kill.. you see, I remember you..".. The last time I saw him was in 2016 and he was wearing a brown suit and was complaining about GECOM and local government elections. There was a picket for Courtney Crum-Ewing.

He asked again.. "What you doing now" and I could not answer, I wanted to say to him that I have been asking myself the same question every now and then.

I mumble something about living the good life.He is in a good mood ..'when we gun do something, dis change aint happen'. He had a hailer in one hand. I was too confused to ask him about the hailer... I am sure we could have tested it out .

He asks again and I try to explain what I do now but like so many others, he doesn't seem to hear or maybe I am not speaking loud enough or maybe it doesn't matter much.. what I do now.  About standing in the library and feeling confused about what to borrow  and then in the market about going through what to cook, what to buy, how much to buy, when I will cook, what can stay in the fridge.. what if the patients don't want to eat ., about having to wake up when I don't want to wake up, about letting go of everything, of detachment from desire.. of muddling up comments when asked for comments on a thing which the person asked me for the comments 'you were passionate about this..',  of feeling anxious about the prospective client asking for number and wondering if I get asked to do work, would I say yes, or say No as I planned to do,but saying no, and saying yes result in the same feelings of inadequacy which is the constant feeling.. of quarreling and anger at how the preventive measures were not made, about feeling guilty at the anger and feeling angry at being guilty about the anger.. and feeling guilt and shame at the anger about being guilty about the anger at things which are no longer in my control

Of being so preoccupied in the present, of getting through each day.. of trying to sort out medication which could work, but which don't really work, , of being 100% responsible for things which I don't want zero responsibility for.



"Like you aint want talk to me man" the man asks.. and truth is the man he remembered had wanted to know more about him.. and how to say my name correctly.. but that man has had to let go of all those things.. or those things have been lost.

 I don't really care about GECOM and elections and whether black people or coolie people running Guyana any more. And I have to deal with constipation .

I walk faster, but the man is walking with me. Like saying no to the work, I tell the man I have to finish stuff to get home.  He has not heard my answer to 'what you doing now'.

 
I do one of the tasks. Tawa is hot still. I am exhausted already as there are some other issues which are happening.  I remember when I used to grill the tomatoes every time. I had forgotten about this.
I slice the tomato. remember the thyme in the freezer.. two types.

I put the tomatoes on, with the thyme. It has been almost a year since I have done this as recently, I just want to finish with the tawa task and get on to the next thing.

Tomato slices sizzle. Nice smell comes up, I remember it now. I am glad.

I feel a bit shaky as I turn the tomatoes and shift them around. 

I think of the man in the orange shoes.   I am putting tomatoes with fine leaf thyme and some suriname thyme and a piece of thick leaf thyme I think on a hot tawa after a long time. That is what I am doing now.