Dear Brilliant Woman, It is raining and I am ....

Dear Brilliant Woman,

It is raining and I am walking around with the camera trying to get a picture. I want to use the picture for the text of an letter which I would never write to you personally.

Thank you again for offering me work. I am in awe of your intelligence and the work you have done.  I know that working with you will be an important intellectual exercise for me. In normal times,  I would have been able to push myself beyond boundaries, to be excited about doing things which I have not done before.

That though, is in normal times, times when the depression could be managed easily and I could shift the dark clouds aside or forget about them and then manage the mind into things which could be useful.

I felt foolish when I asked you to cancel our meeting after I had agreed to the meeting. But I am exhausted mentally and I know that I would probably embarrass myself more in the conversation. I also know that I would be even more ashamed to withdraw the work offer.

The last assignment I took on for someone who had faith in my abilities was messed up. I delivered 30% of what was agreed, later than we agreed. The woman had expected me at least to use my skills and capacities to understand my own abilities and time, and to manage accordingly.

The work that I do not want to do consumes my emotional intelligence now. The work which I cannot do really, which I am barely making the necessary outcomes, that work has no plan, no routine.  I am trying to not be consumed by my dislike of the work, or the clients, to not be angry at the circumstances which have led me here.

It is difficult though. So all of a sudden I can no longer plan or predict the amount of time I need to do the things which I used to simply. 

You had made it clear in your previous conversations that you wanted me to do this work because of your confidence in my skills and competencies to exceed your expectations.

How can I explain that right now, I am not even sure that I can understand the expectations , much less exceed them?

So Brilliant Woman, I am walking in the rain with the camera.  I should have had an umbrella and a plastic bag. I should have prepared for the camera getting wet. 

As I look though, for an appropriate image, I realise how the light and water play on the leaves and flowers. That the eye sees things one way, and what looks good to the eye does not look so good in the camera. And that what does not look so good to the eye, can look very beautiful in the camera.

I feel like I am remembering the part of me , finding it back, the part which has been buried which I think makes you pleased at the work I have done for you.

I know that I cannot quit your work, and that telling you no would disappoint me more than disappoint you.

And in holding on to that, I am going to have to find some way to get your work done and exceed your expectations again.

But not today.