fin' orange and the flaccid penis

Orange
"O h ah dem fin' orange yuh want" the woman told me, holding up the tied net of the small golden brown rusty oranges. I had seen them at the bottom of her basket next to the mangoes.  I am glad for the oranges, using teeth which are slowly being ground into uselessness to get the syrup from them. Glad for pleasure of the senses, at a time when my body and soul are failing and erections seem to happen rarely.

Flaccid penis


Two men are talking about masturbation. "I does do it, but is not right, it not good for you" one man said as he did not want to be convinced by the other man that nothing is wrong, except if you do it too much.

I wanted to laugh and tell them ,, if you think too much is a problem,. imagine if you could not even masturbate?

Impotence is one of the side effects of Depression, sometimes it was for me, sometimes there was no problem as my penis functioned as the rest of my body and mind did.
Other health problems, the exhaustion and fatigue from the caregiving,  the bad diet, the lack of exercise.  I did not expect that things would be going downhill so rapidly, that I could not be carrying out normal tasks and that things would take more time, more energy and that I would be exhausted , too exhausted in the 'free time' to do anything else.. including making use of an erection.


No stirring in the loins, or anywhere else..
 There is a weary apathy which frightens me. I do not know if in accepting that I cannot change anything about my circumstances that I have had to become apathetic. That instead of excitement and curiosity of doing new things, or even things which were normal, there is only dread and anxiety. No stirring in the loins, but no stirring in the heart, no stirring in the mind, no stirring in the soul.  This is not the control of emotions or the detachment from desire.. this is the inability to feel either emotion or desire. 

Energy
In a few days it will Shiv Ratri 2019 , the worship of Lord Shiva. Lord Shiva is worshiped in the form of a lingam - representing the creative force. Some of the Shiva devotees talk of celibacy and of transforming the sexual energies used for procreation into  energies for destruction of 'evil' and creation of new 'good'.

The trouble of course is if there is no sexual energy , then energy has to be found from somewhere.


"Thanks for the concern..."
Thanks for the concern, the man tells me. The first time he had told me that I didn't listen to him, that was asking questions without listening to his answers.

 In the unexpected second time, I was able to slip into listening mode easily. He talked about an abusive relationship and not wanting to end the marriage. He talked and showed me the pictures of some of the happiness he is pursuing. In my selfish way , I was glad that I had been able to recover from the earlier time.

That I was able to listen properly, after not listening properly.

That in a time of impotence, there was a way of being useful.

Pleasure
The erection serves only for pleasure for me, not procreation.  The absence of the erection though is not a big deal for me.

While not  getting an erection, I would not mind  geting rid of the pain in the  body.  While I would not be taking meds for the depression or the impotence, the diclofenac helps to remind me of what a body without pain and painkillers could feel like. I want to sustain that painlessness without drugs.

While not having the energy for an erection, it would be nice get the energy going to finish the books which I have started and can't seem to finish.

While my mind might not encourage my body to send additional blood to my penis, it would be nice if my mind would send the blood to my hands and other brain cells to do the other little projects which require some mind work, brain work, concentration to complete.

I am grateful though, for the temporary pleasures, like being able to eat the sweet , fin' orange, and to write about it.