5 things to do including meditating on the white bougainvillea on a bad day..

The day is rough, after a period of goodish days. I had forgotten, that there are no guarantees of how days in which I could think and plan and feel that I could make it, could then be followed by a day or days in which it is difficult to even move.

 And stepping back requires managing and getting through, doing things which were not planned and not doing things which were planned.

1. Looking at random things. The bougainvillea is in a pot.  It has been there for about 20 years. It hasn't grown much. It hasn't really been pruned. Many times I think it is dead, the twigs are bare. And then it blooms, with white flowers, sometimes with green leaves. I am never sure where the nurturing comes from. Something though, that the dried up dead looking branch could still bear flowers. Reminder of resilience, until of course, it will no longer bear white flowers.

2. Stopping and resuming. I make a mess out of one of the nursing duties. It means bringing the mind back to the present. I change my thought of 'I am screwing this up really badly' to 'I am screwing this up, stop, step back and resume'.

3. Moving. I feel agitated. I am walking around a lot, pacing and by mind can't concentrate on exercise. So I pace, I move, and I keep moving until I don't feel so agitated. 

4. Trying something new. I want to try a new thing in cooking. I try it, I realised that I put too much seasoning but it came out as I expected otherwise. There was a difficult sequence of activities of flour, milk, breadcrumbs and which hand to use so that thing was covered up. Sometimes I messed up, but I stopped, and started back.

5. Talking to myself.  I have used up the conversation times I had with the people who listen. I manage a normal conversation with some people. I am embarrassed as I find myself talking too much to a recent acquaintance who is skilled in human observation. I do not want to appear needy or codependent so I hold back on contacting them.

I take the camera, take a picture, write the blog instead.  Talking to myself, and to no one in particular.

This bad day might go into another one. But I hope, like the apparently dead bougainvillea  to keep using the skills and thoughts to continue existence until at some time, there are flowers.