Dear moon on 21st June, I am not my pain...

Dear moon on 21st June,
The humidity and the heat are bearable even though it is rainy season and I am using the fan for the first time this year. They say today is the longest day of the year, before the days shorten and I wondered why I was feeling like the nights were not long enough when I saw you in the sky opposite the bright sun.

For the first time this year too, I seem to have lost my battle with you as I start feeling as though I don't want to move or do anything and that the dark blanket which presses on my mind is not moving.  Something is wrong this time moon , as the body pain is intense.. turning in bed to get up and the pain in the back pushes me onto the bed rather than off the bed, and the jaws and teeth are tense and sensitive from grinding and clenching all night.

I know that the teeth are slowly pushing back, over riding and that while expensive teeth work will be reqired.. I want to keep the money to have some nice experiences , to hell with the teeth.

Dear moon, I know the source of the pain. The shoulder pain which seems to make the fingers nerve less.. the things which fall out of the hand.. I know the source of the pain has to do with dealing with the things which cause dark blanket to come on the mind .. but this is the first time the dark blanket and the pains have come. I thought maybe the body pain would be the distraction so that I could actually feel.


But as the dark blanket presses on the mind and I say my body pains too much, to try the yoga.. today , moon, I accept that you are in charge and that there is nothing I could do. As I stumble around with the chores, a part of me inside says Vidya, you have to do the yoga, you have to breathe.. you are not the pain.

And so moon, perhaps you shifted in a different way, and the blanket shifted with you, and my will is not so down pressed and I go and start the breathing and stretching and the thought management.. feeling the pain, accepting it, and then moving on to the parts of the body which are not paining as yet.

It has been a long time moon, I thought I was over this and that I would be able to move forward and not have to struggle with you and the dark blanket and so.. but it doesn't seem so.

What is different though, is the acceptance that I have to wait, and that meanwhile the breathing and stretching have helped with waiting. That I have accepted having to say 'no' to a few things as I wait, and that I have accepted that things will not be as I imagined them to be.

I told the young man who told me 'but at least your life has purpose'.. that really and truly, moon, I let go of  purpose and life and instead just try to breathe and get through each moment as the failure of purpose also brings on pain.

And so moon, I am not my pain.. the 'I' is an illusion as some philosophers say but I can't handle philosophy just yet as while I am not my pain, it would be nice if I could bend down and get my head to touch my knees again..

'I' which is not my pain will not take the pain killers because I can't medicate away the source of the pain.. that requires other work.

But I have to keep trying and learn that the head touching the knees is actually the by product and not to end product of managing wellness and not succumbing to the mental health problems.