Unhealthy drink to calm the nerves..

Facebook reminds me that on this day in 2010 I had chamomille and vanilla and honey tea to calm my 'flippin nerves'. Eight years later and I can't bend over to cry in frustration as I fail in one of the jobs which I did not expect to take on .. I can't bend over because the lower back is paining and the shoulders are paining and it is difficult to cry with  your head and body held straight up.
I had promised never to cry again at this particular job, and the b-complex seemed to be helping. But sometimes, maybe the moon is too close to the earth.. and the mind and the body collapse.

So crying can't happen to give release. Other things get thrown in.. I am careless in some work.

Yoga is there. I try to do the yoga, and to breathe and so. Some poses work. Some don't. I am glad I can breathe and try them. The mind is not emptying though.. no matter what I try.  The lower back is stiff, none of the bending forward poses can release this.
I couldn't hold back at an event where a man says something about 'children who put their parents in old people home'.. and I lose it in ways which I don't normally do.

Woman who laughs from house with leaking roof and who hustling a lil internet asks me how how I am doing. I tell her I am ashamed to tell her and she laughs again.


I do the resignation letter from the other thing which is now beyond my competence. I know that makes my back hurt too because the reason I am resigning is that I can no longer add new skills as easily as I used to. It is like I don't want to. I think I am clear headed because the relief of letting go of the failure to push my boundaries mixes with the anger at myself for not being able to push my boundaries.

I say yes to another thing which is also out of my skill set because I think I can muster up the skills when this phase is past.

I go walking.. and have to make a second trip to run an errand because I am disorganised.

I see the green packet with the brand. I pick up one. I shouldn't be drinking this.  It is not healthy.

I am writing this and sipping the unhealthy drink to calm the nerves. The drink will not calm the nerves. I am glad that it is not alcohol. It is probably as bad for me in the end.. chocolate powder and milk from dubious sources mixed with sugar and other things by a company which has dodgy international practices. 

I don't need the drink., but I need it now as I wait this out.