"Simmering uncovered" and men and violence

Self-control and discipline
I am standing in the supermarket, and thinking I need to sit down to breathe. My mind is on the early morning conversation which left me feeling angry at myself for being tired and incapable of doing an unwelcome task.  Part of me is thinking.. aye, you can't fall apart here ,while another part says just keep walking and moving and I walk up and down the aisles until I find the thing I had come to buy.  I have long managed not to worry about self control, I have stood up a long time in some busy places and looked around while getting my thoughts in order.

Control for me is not about repressing the anger and confusion, but to own the feelings, acknowledge them and then work through the steps to shifting the anger and confusion to more productive emotions without causing harm to myself or anyone else.

For many men though, self control and discipline are covers which hold back different emotions. Until sometimes, there is no holding  back.

The words 'self controlled' and 'disciplined' are being repeated about the "nice" soldier boy who killed the woman. He then went to the police station."That is the army training there ..  being responsible'  I am told.  Discipline is what adults do when they beat children.. discipline is so close to violence.

Temporary insanity


"Temporary insanity.. that is what it was.. he is a good officer" the retired military man who is a loving husband and father told me about the Captain who killed the woman before walking into the police station with the gun emptied of bullets.

The retired military man had also assured me years ago when I told him about the 18 year old abuser who was hoping to go into the army. "Don't worry, we have ways of checking that no persons come in who want  to abuse"  His shock is there like many others

The 18 year old had told me "young guys look up to me.. i am the captain of the b-ball team and we got good results.. i have to control my girl and show her who is in charge'.  I never found out if the 18 year old made it to the army."


The Guyana Defence Force  was quick to respond. "“The force is truly saddened by this occurrence and would want to reassure the general populace that this is an isolated incident and is not reflective of the values and standards of the Guyana Defence Force,”
 
A woman is cynical.. a popular soldier she tells me who we both know used to beat his girlfriend right in the compound and nobody really did anything about it.

It is a shame that the GDF did not include in their statement what resources they had for those who are surviving abuse. Or for those who are abusing their partners or thinking of killing them

The US Army has recently been accused of protecting an abuser. A CBS news story in 2009 describes the problems.





The Australian Army has a domestic violence campaign.
The man in charge of the campaign says that he does not think the incidence of domestic violence in the Army is higher than the wider public average. He says "The whole point of the military is the very disciplined use of violence only when necessary and only lawful,".

He probably does not know that many of the soldiers (and others) use that disciplined violence to abuse and control their partners, sometimes battering in ways so that the marks of violence cannot be shown.

The purpose of the campaign is to encourage "victims, offenders and bystanders to come forward"

Another man, a minibus driver, killed a woman this last weekend. A man said this 'is woman power'.. apparently the men have no will of their own and the women are 'bringing this on themselves'.

Sensible men, with University degrees like what the Army captain has, have this core, almost genetic trait that says that 'we are not responsible.. is somebody else mek we do duh' even as they stutter and stumble over 'he should not have done that'. 


Simmering uncovered..
About an hour after standing confused in the supermarket, I am at the stage of the recipe which says to "simmer uncovered for five minutes." 

Simmering is this slow heat.. letting the bubbles break out. I had not expected to reach this stage as the preparations required mindfulness. I am glad I got to this stage.

I have not bothered to ask why the long slow cook instead of a quick five minutes on high heat.

There is something about the bubbles breaking  in the open which I think are the ways in which I have learned from women and other men how to maintain some  sanity with the insanity.

Let things out, talk about them, talk to people who would listen, talk to yourself , write a journal, be aware of the body, don't let the stresses turn themselves into physical illnesses.

The recipe then requires a cover to put on tightly and leave on long slow heat.
Is this a  kind of cover which is not to repress, but to allow a nurturing,  so much as to allow a kind of perfecting of what is inside with very slow heat from outside.

I know people say simmering is used as a metaphor which then leads to boiling over and explosion.

But this dish has never boiled over.