Don't be like Rishi Kapoor and 5 other things for my Hindu brothers this Navratra

Written in 2018
Navratra and I am thinking of the Hindu men I know, some of them are pandits, who will be celebrating with me. Thinking of messages I have heard and read from pandits, some young and some old, and thinking of the messages I would have liked to give them in return. Thinking of how Navratra is an important time for Hindu men to assert their faith by understanding equality.

1. Don't be like Rishi Kapoor. Rishi Kapoor grabs a woman by her hair in Kabhi Kabhi and sings one of my favourite songs. Other men have held women by their hair in the same way and abused them, knocked their heads on floors and walls , or cut off the hair.  

 

In Chandini, Rishi Kapoor turns off the light and grabs the young Sridevi. His grip on her results in marks on her skin. He reminds her of his violence by showing her the broken bangles he kept.


 (Euphemism for how some men 'keep she panty' as a trophy ?) Rishi Kappor then terrorises her on a motorbike as she asks him to stop..saying she is afraid..  to say yes or no to loving him. She says yes so she can feel safe. He raises his hand twice to hit her before singing another song. In another film, Rishi Kapoor slaps his wife before singing another popular song to show his love. Bollywood has entertained us. 

 

We try to make love like Bollywood. Bollywood has screwed us up. 

 

We don't have to hit, hurt, stalk or terrorize anybody into loving us. Don't be like Rishi Kapoor.
When Bollywood is being used as 'Indian culture', be aware of the underlying sexism and misogyny



2. Learn about menstruation in mandir. There is no motherhood without menstruation.
A devout Hindu woman told me she was not going to mandir for Navratra because she was 'unclean'. 

I begged her and reminded her.. there is no motherhood without menstruation.
(There are some beliefs that the restrictions on menstruating women are not meant to be oppressive, or about being unclean.)
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The mandirs are full at Navratra. Give over the space at the singhasan to women. Invite a woman doctor, Let her talk to women and men about women's reproductive health. Talk about cervical cancer, where to get testing. Women have died because men have not supported them in  health seeking behaviours.
 
3. Think about alcohol and what alcohol has done to us.  Many of us will stop eating meat, not have sex, not masturbate and stop drinking for the season. Some people get upset when Hindu festivals are associated with alcohol.. but Hindus are associated with the alcohol industry and consume alcohol at some religious functions like weddings and Phagwah. 

 

Think about alcohol though and how resisting alcohol might also make things better for many people, especially those women and children who live in terror of drunken men.

4 Men can respect women regardless of how they dress . I hear the pandit ask.. women cover your heads. and I want to tell him to cover his ugly face too since his face is distracting me from worshiping at the altar. Rapists have attacked women regardless of their age and how they are dressed. Learn the history of how Hindu women came to cover their heads. Something is wrong with any man who can't show respect to a naked woman. Understand how you get these messages about what is respectable and what is not, understand how men then excuse their violence on stupid ideas of respectability.  There is no dress code in the Bhagvad Gita. Think about whether it is your business to tell women how to dress. And think about how you can have compassion and respect for people who you think don't respect themselves.

5.  Learn about women who have stood against injustice  We hear about Durga who killed demons. And Kali who killed demons. We also keep hearing that Sita as ideal woman and wife who had to wait on Rama to kill Ravana for her. Learn about the women who stand up to injustice. Learn from them about how to stand up to injustice. Listen to your mothers and aunts and grand mothers and others about how they survived - many of them in situations where Ram and Ravan were the same. 

 

Read Coolie Woman : An odyssey of Indenture to get an idea of what women of Indian origin went through.


6. Don't bother with any of this..   I am most times afraid to stand up directly to any man who is abusing or harassing a woman. I might have hollered on men  who are harassing school girls. I listen to the Pandits talk. It is not easy to stand up to other men. It is easier to go with the flow, even if  we feel funny or it doesn't feel right. 

 

But a lesson I learned from women, is that when one person starts speaking out, others will do so too even if there are those who will mock.  Men are diverse. Some of us are gay or straight or bisexual.. some of us have transitioned to women, some have transitioned from being born as women. 

 

Some of us have felt betrayed by women, some of us have betrayed women as part of the violence. 

 

Navratra is a good time for us to think about our relationships with women, and learning that as Hinduism teaches us in our oneness.. how we can improve our relationships with ourselves. I praise those Hindu men who have found ways of sharing these messages. You might not agree with me.

Blessed Navratra to you all.

(Updated April 2021 )