Growing grass in concrete and 7 other things I wish I could write about..

As first quarter 2018 comes to an end and I think about the things  I wished I could write about but haven't been able to as I keep writing about other things..

1. I wish I could write about being able to find ways of converting the grass which grows from the cracks in the concrete and which provides a soft contrast to the grey hardness around into some kind of garden. I wish I could write about growing flowers instead of weeds which do not flower.

2. I wish I could write about how I have managed to reverse the rising sugar level trends by eating healthily and exercising regularly. I wish I could write about how much easier it is to succumb to eating badly and postponing the exercise.

3. I wish I could write about letting go and loving at the same time , instead of writing the same emails to the loved one who has resumed shunning and who does not want to see me but might have wanted to just talk to me on the phone every now and then.  I wish I could write that I could think of the loved one, and feel differently from what I felt 5, 10 years ago when it was always the same tension about loving what should not be loved, about connections which were possible which were broken because they were possible , the frustration of trying to understand the unspoken needs.  I wish I could write about wishing for wellness from afar and hoping that good health will be restored to the loved one.

or I wish I could write that the loved one and I were able to meet, to talk and to move forward to the here and now, to come to an understanding of our realities and what if anything we can offer each other.. rather than long periods of shunning interspersed with intense moments of connection and phone conversations.

4. I wish I could write about doing wonderful new things instead of writing about relief at being able to get through the old stuff which now takes some time.

5. I wish I could write about being able to organise chores and tasks daily, about having a routine , about overcoming the emotions  which comes with care giving.. the constant negotiation to show that the correct decisions are not mine, but theirs, the uncertainty that things are not being done correctly, the anxiety about mistakes happening and the consequences of mistakes.

6. I wish I could write about how I decide not to write about things like the country which designed a national stadium so that the people who could not afford seats can be invited to pay to stand up. I wish I could write about how I decided not to write about how hospitable Guyanese usually want people to sit down in homes. And when I see ticket prices near to standing and I wonder what kind of country we live in when the inequalities are constantly reinforced in the most absurd ways.

7. I wish I could write about being able to complete the yoga pose where I could bend my head towards my knees, instead of dealing with back pain again. I wish I could write about how I am nervous that the b-complex tablets which has brought me through the first quarter of the year saying yes to things I would have said no to last year might stop working.

8. I wish I could write about how I have managed to keep walking and not feeling as though my feet are not moving as dark clouds hover even if they do not oppress.

I wish I could write about these things. Maybe one day I will.