Yellow pills and saying 'yes' after saying 'no'

I hit backspace over the lines I had written twice to say 'no' to the suggestion. I then reply to say okay, yes. It will be a nightmare to do but I am not too worked up about nightmares now.

February is ending and March is going to be bizarre. I said yes to another thing I had intended to say no to because the mental preparation needed and the creativity were beyond me at the time I was asked. I said yes and messed up the first session but it doesn't bother me too much.

I am staring at the emails in which I said no, a year ago , twice to another thing.. it will be big, requiring not only creativity but emotional energy to go back to a time I wanted to forget. A casual conversation.. and then I go back, and ask. 'can i say yes now' and the enthusiastic response makes me feel guilty that I had said no in the first place.

I am itching still. The anti-fungal stuff is not working... now and then I take the anti-histamine but then I say to hell with it because I don't want to dependent on any medications.

Except that the yellow pills .. the B Complex and the Folic Acid.. which the doctor had recommended to 'build up' my immunity to deal with the itching.  Two months into the year and I have said yes to things a year ago I said no to, in frightening rates which does not have me worried about crashing. I had said yes to things and then said no.

Nutrition is a key part of managing mental health. There are no guarantees now that even if you are eating fresh food and so, that the nutrition value is the same. So as I started popping the B Complex and the Folic acid, it seems that the dark clouds have become shadows and I am itching all over while saying yes to things.

I stare at the phone. I had said 'no' to challenging the loved one who had resumed calling but would not come to see me to talk. I realised that I needed to say yes to the challenge and to take the risk that the loved one who had resumed calling would resume shunning me.  'Come and see me let's talk.. it is difficult to understand what is going on with you and I feel like I am failing you when I talk to you'.. was met with the anger and rejection. I didn't feel bad though. The shunning resumed. I didn't feel bad about it, a sadness , but not a sense of oh  hell why didn't I just pretend and carry on a 'normal' conversation until the loved one decided to hang up the phone.


There might be other reasons. The year is now an even number. The planets might have shifted. Part of me is curious as to what is causing the change.. and I don't want to be dependent on any pill. Given though the madness I have undertaken in March, I am not going to experiment to see if coming off the pills would have me saying no more often.