Dear passion fruit..

Dear passion fruit,
I am grateful for you. They say you good for depression and I am also hoping that you good for itching too., and now the dry cough which is coming and which jerks the back.  So the gratitude for you also with the experiment with pak choy , butter beans, sweet pepper mix up which was slightly bitter.

I don't know if you will keep me awake. I had banana to see if the banana would help me sleep.. but it it seems that the night, the beautiful cool nights which start with lovely sunsets are my enemy.

It is a good thing to practice gratitude. I had hoped that as things slowly fell apart this year that in practicing gratitude , I would have been saved from the itching. My skin now has red holes of varying shades and my bed sheet is spotted.  Limacol helps with cooling but like it dries the skin. The coconut oil with the peppermint oil feels cool and nice, and smells nice. But the relief doesn't last long , and the skin becomes soft and easy to break.

I had to wash blood off of my calves before going out. I wondered if I should cover the red blotches on my skin so as not to disgust people. But I didn't bother. I don't care really who is repelled, well maybe except minibus drivers and conductors.

So now, the body is extra tense trying to anticipate the next bout while also feeling the cool breeze on the sensitive skin. I don't know if the place is cool or if I am feverish, but that is another thing.
Antihistamines are probably helping a little bit.

Last night I woke up , itched and scratched until the itching stopped and the bleeding started. I lay in the bed awake, tense. I could not get up which is what I should do. It is strange how the itching seems well 'energizing' in a way in that the soul feels like it is pulsing.  There are bouts where the body feels like it used to, but there is tingling, which is probably the learning in my brain waiting for the nerves to go off again. Last night I woke up after three hours of deep sleep to itch.Maybe there was a dream or something.


Gratitude is relative. If anybody ask me what I would want now, I would say.. just for the itching to go away and never come back. I will deal with the rest which I could not deal with which probably bring back the itching.

 A year ago I remember saying to the Universe, let me take the punishment for  the loved one who is married and who used to call on the way home and who called me to be there through a short crisis. I don't know if the Universe was busy and decided now is my turn.  The loved one I think is okay. We have stopped speaking for a long time , because of the angry way I spoke when I did not know I was angry. But such is life, I would not want anyone to stay in contact with anyone who is abusive to them, and the Universe has its way of working.
. I remember the loved one talking about having a lot of passion fruit in the garden. The ordinary stuff about gardening and so, those conversations were special but I had to make sure that I kept those neutral.

So passion fruit, I am glad that at least I can function with basic tasks as I always did.  There is a part of me which is calm and which accepts everything that is happening, and looks for passion fruit and chocolate as a relief. Concentration is now more difficult.

I know I can't think well so the big plans I had to learn new stuff and try new stuff are out of the window. I am not sure what will happen next.

But I know I will always be grateful for you whenever you come into my life.