Dear chocolate cupcake..

Dear Chocolate cup cake..
Thank you for the pleasure and the relief you have brought to me.

I know I should not have enjoyed you. It is self destructive when the morning sugar level is highest than it has been in awhile to have you with coffee when the plan was to try to take the remaining eight weeks off to reverse the trends of the last year.

I made you again because I wanted to hold on and remember, and to see if I could do something which was not failing. It was a risk. The morning of the day I made you I broke another thing .  Hands and clumsiness. This  is the first year I have had to replace so many things which I broke. because those things were useful and needed. I can't seem to break the useless and harmful things.

Some things like the social connections have been lost due to the social awkwardness, in words and so which have been violent and angry and  harsh because I thought I was talking to people who knew me.  So it is easier to take refuge in you chocolate cake.

It is easier to stop talking to people rather than to be anxious about mistakes when talking and  about how you will come over and how people will be worried that they don't make me "trip out."
 
Request came in to do something. I said yes, and wanted to say no, but turning down the request was going to be actually more devastating than risking the failure of honouring the request. So chocolate cupcake, you helped as I did not say no to the request.

So I made you. The woman who sold me the ripe apple bananas, sour like hell, but she gave me as much as she could.. 'tek all' .. first time I made you with the apple banana because it doesn't taste so nice. Risks.. deliberate.. as a kind of way perhaps to take control over something while other things seem out of control.

So I ate two of you even though the sugar level was high. The rush was good, I had the chores to do which were difficult and I could not move. I went out and moved.. kept moving to run the errands.

I walked to a place I had not visited before. I met the people I needed to meet and managed to engage with them.
Then the crash came again, the tone in an exchange, the sad wistful tone reminding me of the failures. The person did not intend that I be reminded of failure, but just the sadness was there in realising that I was not meeting the important expectations

And so the crash came.. standing in the market again and looking around and trying to focus on the vendors and to make nice talk. Making sure that the things I had to buy are good. Looking at the healthy food which I think I should cook, and  being overwhelmed as I try to imagine what that would look like. The pain in the body which intensifies as I have to manage the thoughts, and bring things back to order to get on with the errands.

I know that I could eat lots of you and let nature takes its course. But that is not good.  I could try to work other courses which could provide the happiness which you provided without any potential harm.

I am glad that I had you when I had you.

I know that I could conjure you up when I need to and I could talk to you when I need to without worrying that there will be negative consequences.