Sunrise after a coldish night..

om mitrāya namaḥ (ॐ मित्राय नमः)
Night has been restless. It has been nice and cold. I had sent a message which I had not sent. They say to let go of the past and not let it hold you back but then it keeps coming back.
Gray skies outside. Place is cold nice. It is early morning. I wish I could just lie there for a long time, in the kind of cold semi dark. Another part of me , remembers the guy from the past who got up quickly and was able to get into Surya Namaskar.

I get up.  I face the east.   Body is in the pain and even though I know the loosening stretches will not help, I get ready. I say the prayers. Prayers help a man told me when he asked who I was and I told him how I was. I don't pray for help or anything. I am supposed to work on those things.
I usually pray that no matter what, that I could  be in a position to be useful and helpful to others.

There is a nice chill breeze coming through the window.

Palms should be flat on the floor.  My finger tips cannot reach. I don't care, I bend the knees and move to the next position and hope that I could stretch the back.  I try not to think of the past when this was easy. I stumble coming up.


om ravaye namaḥ (ॐ रवये नमः)
Sun is still fuzzy. No light yet. I had thought of this at sunrise.  I am standing still and my mind is wandering. I know I am supposed to keep going. Some yoga asanas have a way of releasing emotions. I had stopped and dry sobbed when I could not bend down previously.  Body is tense because of the stress. I reach forward and bend, the back though is still stiff. The finger tips reach the floor this time.


om sūryāya namaḥ (ॐ सूर्याय नमः) 
There is a light on the wall, the yellowish light. I think it would make a good picture for a blog. I start writing the blog in my head . I had promised not to write any more crap on the blog. I imagined though that this is what I would have to say to a therapist and pay money to do so.  I keep pacing. Mind is wandering. I should move down.

I do the third time. I had hoped that I would do these 13 in a nice smooth flow, one after the other as the sun rose, breathing in and out, and heck maybe making a few more.

That will not happen today. Still, I am not on the bed thinking that I want to be a cool dark room forever. I am up at sunrise.

om bhānave namaḥ (ॐ भानवे नमः)
 It takes a while. The spine movements are still not flexible. The body is tensing up because of the thoughts. I remember other nights, also without sleep but for different reasons when I got up and was able to do this round. I was a dedicated doer of the Surya Namaskar.. I found space.. airport lobbies, prayer rooms, outside on flat ground.


om khagāya namaḥ (ॐ खगाय नमः)
 I hold the body upright. Palms together. Fingers are hurting as the body hurts in other places. I ignore the pain.  I do a thing about accepting the pain. I move around a bit, and then bend forward again. I have waited too long it seems, and the finger tips can't make the floor. I keep moving, the part with bringing forward the foot is a bit awkward for some reason. I try to focus on what is happening.

I come up and walk around again, I think this is it, this is enough I can stop now..I know that it is futile given the past experiences of doing this every morning but still nothing to show for it.

The place is still cool, dark. Bed is there. I keep pacing and go back and stand with palms together.

om puṣṇe namaḥ (ॐ पूष्णे नमः)
 I bend down again. It is like I have never done this before.  I get up. I try again. I try again. Then , I stumble a bit, bend the knees to just move in. I accept I can't bend down now with palms on the ground. Sometimes I could.   I go through the movements,  thinking what will  I write for the therapy? Do I write the whole truth, or just know that it is the moon, that things pass and that the focus should be on getting through the moments and getting things done.



om hiraṇya garbhāya namaḥ (ॐ हिरण्यगर्भाय नमः)
 I have made half way and I manage to do this round. The mantras are still in my head. They are supposed to be with the breath. I breathe in and bend back and head feels a bit dizzy as I have breathed in too much. I am not focussing enough. Sun is up some more. Still cool.



om marīcaye namaḥ (ॐ मरीचये नमः)
I look at the bed. I remember other sunrises doing this early. I remember doing this with prayers quietly in a room, watching a loved one in deep sleep. I remember the body moving through the poses, the breaths,, remembering that there were prayers of thanks. I remember praying for the loved one, now married, that everything would be okay and that I could bear any punishment for the time we spent together. The subsequent shunning, reconnection then shunning again though I did not pray for.  Another loved one, another night, but I knew then that was temporary and that ended then. But I did the surya namaskar in a different room.  I start laughing.


om ādityāya namaḥ (ॐ आदित्याय नमः)
 I could stop now. I have done more than I intended. I pace around. I take another picture. The work which was rejected. The warm invitation by the nice woman to a social occasion which I will have to refuse. I hold the stretch of the downward dog but this does not really improve bending later on.


om savitre namaḥ (ॐ सवित्रे नमः)
 Feeling stupid as it is now taking much longer , it used to be 10 15 minutes or so to get through a round. I could just sit on the bed and watch the sun rise, but that don't make sense. I know I have privilege, I am not rushing to go to work. I am guilty that I am not using my privilege well.
I try to forget and say, no, starting over. This is like the first time you are doing this.

The first time I had done this years ago was not so difficult.

om arkāya namaḥ (ॐ अर्काय नमः)
 Come on man, three more to go. Just do it. I bend again , finger tips cannot reach the floor any more. I say to hell with it. I should not be angry when doing these things but anger is probably better than giving up. The body is too tense. I make the round.. breathing and standing up. Stumbling.

om bhāskarāya namaḥ (ॐ भास्कराय नमः)     
 Two more to go. Sun is up now. Body feeling a bit of heat. Back in the day this would have been the end of round one and sweat would have started to form.  I pace a little bit, thinking let me go through this.



om srisavitr sūryāya namaḥ 
Back still hurts. Hands getting just below the knees. I stretch some more and say to hell with the stiffness.. go through the last pose.

I go back on the bed. Sun is up. Breathe. Mind still whirling but feeling that I did something to move when I did not want to move.

I have to move, to make coffee. There is grapefruit, and orange and banana. The mango which fall from the tree needs another day.

I have to keep moving.