Regardless of the pain...

The floor is warm from the sun. I am kneeling on it. The heat is coming through the window.
Spirit is broken. The thing I thought I could save was not saved. Feeling powerless more than angry.Tired, exhausted.  I should not have listened to the conversation. But I know.. and knowing , waiting for the explosion, the anxiety and anticipation keep the body tense.

Acceptance. Apparently acceptance is good. Not fighting things. Not wishing for different.

Mind starts whirling on the other things.  I make an attempt to bend forward but the back is really stiff.
".. I chose not to have to deal with your anger  .  I love you.." the words are in my head. I try to delete them. I thought I was doing the right thing, to keep the space , keep things neutral. I knew that the shunning would have resumed when common sense intervened. But still.. I know the love is the same love meted is the  Christian love for enemies and sinners.  I realise that the what I thought was a brief emotional frustration was violent. I hate that I got so close that I could get angry and violent even though I thought that I was putting things in place to stay far.


The 'love' has me tensing up more than say if there was some kind of polite distancing as happened with others.  I don't want people to be afraid of me.
Still, the shunning came as I knew it would. It is on my mind. It should not be on my mind.

Back is hurting though as I think of the other man who has others afraid of him. Entrapment is complex.

I get up. I can't go on with the yoga routine. They say don't do anything if your body is hurting. 

The heat is warm.. sun is hot but somehow not oppressive.

Something inside says.. don't leave.. go back.. go and start back and try again.. see what you can do. Do what you can do.

And so I start again.. try. Mind keeps whirling.. try to shift it so that I am not doing the yoga as resistance to the pain, but with the pain.

Body bends. Head goes forward.. the back  hurts but I keep stretching it. Head gets closer to the knees than it ever has before. The other pose, there is a kind of sharpness but I say to hell with it, there is pain already, things are not getting better, let me try this.

I managed to lie backward, legs folded. Breathe deeply. the body has twisted itself into some shape and I don't feel the pain.  The heat from the sun outside is warm. Sweat is pouring, better than tears.

Get through. Shocked that I got through. The pain is there when I get up and start clearing up, moving. Other things are on my mind, other work I should do. Feeling the worry again come down. Body tenses up again. It always happens like this. Something about the rate of the body cooling down though.. the sweat dries up, in the heat.

I think I should write this blog. I go to get the  picture, some picture for it.

I bend down to get the yellow leaf on the  brown leaf and the green grass in the sun and shadow. I bend down long.

There is no pain.







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