"Tek care of yuhself"...


The man hasn't aged much in the 15 or so years I have seen him selling oranges. I had stopped buying because the quality wasn't good. Sun was hot and I was disoriented by the things on my mind.

I bought some from him. He was inside the stall in the shade, eating. 'yeah man, tek how much you want.. ".  I paid and he said 'Tek care of yuhself". I said 'pardon' and he repeated louder, firmer.. "tek care of yuh self"

I guess things were showing .. the inability to deal with the different things and the failure of the 'break' to bring any transformation. Saying no.. to going to an  event to mourn and celebrate the life of a wonderful woman because every time I thought of facing the people and walking through to be ignored and I couldn't deal with it. Saying no to the other request for help to join  a struggle ongoing but which needed to be dealt with before things got worse. Saying no to a normal duty and mind whirling as I couldn't explain the complexity of a 17 year old restraining order when karma catches up.. though privilege had me doling out cash to pay someone else. And with every saying no, feeling angry and guilty that I have to say no as I try to get things on track.

The crash came again.. after the man said 'tek care'.. he probably realised that something was up. I managed to control myself and to realise that there was no time to implode. Body felt tensed up and the survival part said. dont drink the water.. dont drink or eat anything.. you have to go and stretch out.. you have to go ..

Managed to stretch out.. some of the poses were difficult but the stretching seemed to release a different kind of energy. The exhaustion was different.. as though everything building up.. was coming out.. and then trying to make sure that it was conscious. Some poses not completed. One pose completed on the second try. Holding them and trying ot hold the thoughts as the thoughts stiffen the body.. rather than relax.

Self care for the moment. An hour later I am walking and my breath shortens as I start thinking again  I try to stop thinking, to  breathe deeply as I pass the sweet smelling tizam bush growing where it is not supposed to and to tek care of mehself as I try to sort things out..

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