Saluting the sun regardless...

Woke up as the rain was falling , place cold but these days rain doesn't create nice deep sleep since the 2005 and other floods. Bladder is full and I know that I can't sleep back easily and get up to go and empty and that also creates some energy.. I know I am not going to sleep back for just now.. look at clock and think of the loved one who used to call on the way home and the conversations we used to have at this time which I thought were good but apparently were not.., and the other loved one who reconnected and then disconnected but in a good way

sleep comes.. eventually and next thing a gentle enquiry is a brutal reminder that I am not in control of anything no matter how  i struggle to think so..

Body is stiff.. can't move much and even though movement through the morning chores loosens up a bit.. .. sugar reading is too high and I have that on my mind.. walking on eggshells is also another thing which clenches the body.. trying to avoid confrontations and flare ups. but not so easy to do..

Thirsty and try not to drink water as I make the decision.. I will try the 13 rounds again of  the dozen or so postures just to move..


Om Mitraaya Namaha

I bend forward and back is tight and I say to hell with it and keep stretching for fingers to reach the floor.. palms are supposed to be flat on the ground but that is not possible now.. maybe later.. I go down into the next posture,, legs stretch back and the curving and stretching and breathing are out of sync. Thoughts back to the first time I had done this.. years ago when I used to do it immediately after waking up.. even after waking up with someone else..

Om Ravaye Namaha
First round completed , I stumbled on the way up.. but I am glad.. and I breathe and go down again.. thoughts of moving forward.. what else can I do.. the pain in the legs from walking the day before a reminder that these 'simple' activities are not simple at all.. trying to not to think of these things..

Om Suryaya Namaha
Sun is bright and sheen of sweat appears.. it used to be until the second 13 that the sweat used to appear, but now it is on the second round.. thinking of the thoughts I had that nothing will be fixed but trying to see if it is possible to take broken , decaying, disjointed pieces and create something new..


Om Bhaanave Namaha
Trying not to cry as I think of the hundreds of things which need fixing and which I used to be able to fix easily.. and this week only one is fixed.. and bending forward.. the back still pains each time.. the pain is there always.. breathing hard and thinking should I stop now or continue to the end.. breathign and thoughts running..

Om Khagaya Namaha
Contineu and bend forward again but it is like if this the first time.. as waist cringes but I think hell,, keep going.. trying not to stretch the neck too much and thinking my eyes are straining in a way because you are to stretch, not strain..

Om Pooshne Namaha
I am half way.. back in the day this would have been 1/6 of the way when I would be moving through this. I stop again..as I stumble again.. but mind wanders.. the weirdness in teh universe as the girl at the supermarket and the man selling pineapples tell me about the salt bags I used for shopping.. 'is long you got dem tings.. dem strong..' and I hope that the handles do not burst..

Om Hiranya Garbhaya Namaha
I should be focussed now.. but mind wanders.. it is a way to ignore the pains and the stiffness and to try to just stretch where possible. I am grateful for the people who found me useful in the last few days and for the cheerful text message from a 21 year old who has done much to stay focussed. I realise that every time I stop moving , the body seems to be stiffening.. no matter ho long I stay in each pose.... but the breathing is critical.


Om Mareechaye Namaha
Trying to remember how it was 20 or so years ago as I had recovered and made choices to be wealthy and how the activity merged with intense paid and unpaid work. Trying to remember the motivations to see if I can find them again, but I know this is futile as I move and stumble.. that there is just here and now. Over eating is so easy to do.. so easy.. so comforting and it has taken its toll in different ways.. where the anxiety is not now how to get the mind around healthy living but rather to try to scramble and do things to ensure that the consequences of overeating are delayed but they can't be..

Om Aadityaaya Namaha
Four more to go and I wait a bit. Bend forward again and only the tips of the fingers are reaching in the ground. Back in the day by now the palms would be flat and I would be doing this and breathing, without thinking.. sweat is flowing though and I am glad I am doing something instead of not doing anything.


Om Savitre Namaha
Trying to imagine how I could write about this.. to work out what is happening.. and how to fix this as it has been six or seven months of trying to recover and things are not improving and somethings have worsened.

Om Arkaaya Namaha
Two more to go and I decide to keep moving and breathing and not think about anything.. I get through..


Om Shree Savitru Suurya Naaraayanaaya Namah
I am grateful that I got through. I bend down to get something and the back is still stiff.. nothing has really changed.. but I feel as though I got through one healthy thing which I had not planned to do.