Yoga of doing a thing when you didn't want to..

"I am glad to see Mr Kissoon... we have to learn how to deal with controversial subjects as librarians" the Chief Librarian said in her opening remarks. I was surprised but I realised that I was an external person on the programme. And the programme at the University had LGBTIQ on it and the moderator did say she wondered what the letters mean.
I was nervous as the last time I was in the space, I had left after an interaction with the Vice Chancellor.

Year is rough as the personal goals are thrown to the wayside and wellness is becoming more elusive. The pain of losing the fragile connection again with a loved one .. a connection which was 10 years old;  and saying no to other things because the mind would not work dominate and show the trend of inability to be responsive and progressive

Random email comes in with a Call for Papers for the 7th Annual Library Research Day. I delete the mail when I realise the date and I think no, by then I would not be able to do anything. A few days before the deadline for the call and a conversation with a student and I say, come on.. do it, write the abstract. Time comes up and I agonise over what to say, how to say it.. as I have no idea of the audience and their expectations and I don't really know anyone there.

An email comes that in addition to the presentation, a thing has to be written as well. The clouds make thinking and organising and writing more difficult. The night is difficult.. tossing and turning as the night before any presentation these days.

I turn up. The podium and the mic are still a bit scary. The teeth are twisted and the saliva wells up now when I talk so I know I spit a lot.. even when eating.
I do the things to walk around the room. I do the presentation. I get over it.
 People say nice things.

I meet another student who tells me that I look 'radiant and beaming'. I laugh.
We talk books - she likes Zora Neale Hurston and Toni Morrison.

I sit outside on a bench under a tree .. feeling drained.  There were two queries for follow up after the presentation.

There was another meeting about work to be done, another thing which I thought I should have said no to. but I didn't bother.



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