Holding on to the salara and other things..


Salara is red there , in the case. I know I know.. I don't want you. The once slack pants waist is branding my belly now. The sugar is high.

I have to let go of you.. but is either you or replying to the random message 'I have no time for you I am busy' from the loved one who used to call on the way home and who said I was scary in my anger and who has been shunning me since.

Day starts good. I can't bend to do any of the yoga. Trying to focus on nice things. Some conversations start and my body tenses. I know I have to back down.

I see the message. I try not to read it. I breathe. I had hoped that the next contact would have been 'Hey.. are you free, I can come over now and let us talk'.

I know from a long time ago how much telling people that 'I am busy, I have no time' is hurtful. I learned how to explain and finding the time or finding ways to be helpful.  I learned from others of ways of making time.
I am grateful that I have never had to say I am busy I have no time for you to anyone who has asked when in need. Even if I was busy and I might have thought I had no time.


I read the message. There is the blow in the stomach. How should I reply? How should i reply so that I could keep things okay in a way? The message was probably not even for me, the way it was worded.

I let go though. I want to write about the distress of thinking I had done something wrong and there is no redemptoin.

I want to write that I have turned down work which might have involved seeing your face and the fear there, and the uncertainty there and the contempt which comes up because I think you keep wanting something which you would not tell me, but which I can't provide.

But I know, it will make no difference and resolve nothing.

But i find the Salara. I should not eat the salara. I should not reply. I should go and run or walk long .. get rid of the fat while also loosening the body and the soul. I will keep the clothes, I can't let go of the clothes which are now tight. I can't let go of the desire for the face to face chat, for the closure.


It is June, new month. I eat the salara. I laugh afterwards.  I delete the conversation so that I am not tempted to reply or write anything longer. There is no point .

I know I should not be saying anything, or asking anything.  The memories of another time, another shunning, same sequence of events from years ago.

I was not honest about how I was feeling. I feel more sick that I am not honest but being honest will also mean causing harm and that is not where I need to be with anyone.

So in the end, I delete the conversation history and I eat the salara.I could keep the conversation as a reminder that I should never have started this.. but I will let go and wish the best.



Work is to be done. Life goes on.  It might not be the life I wished for myself, but it goes on , I have to let go of that desire too to be on good terms with all the loved ones.

I have to let go of chasing salara too.. to feel good.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turpentine mango madness

Image
Some of the mango was stuck on the stubble around my mouth. I looked at the mirror, a bit of shame because I had just collected an invitation from a well dressed guy and I wonder how I must have looked to him.. look at dis big man .. he cyan eat mango good . Thing is.. wiping off mango from stubble is difficult.. and the casual swipe with a hand which might have some juice is also useless. The turpentine mango is useless when it is green - it tastes awful, like turpentine.  Mother Nature works a miracle because the ripe one though, is sweet, juicy, no strings and no turpentine taste. And the colours on the skins are bright yellow/orange/pink/purple/red shades that are probably meant to draw all species of mango lovers. The trouble with turpentine is that you cannot pick it green or 'turnin' ' to ripen like say how they do it with Spice mangoes.  You have to leave on the tree until there is some point.. when there is no taste of turpentine. So you look at the m...
Read more

My experience with depression - Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar

Image
(The University of Guyana held Turkeyne & Tain Talks 2 on Monday 12 September, 2016 on Suicide Prevention . Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar made a presentation based on her experience. This is the text of the presentation) by Raquel Thomas-Caesar I am not an expert on the issue of Suicide and Depression but this is my personal journey dealing with such issues. I have never spoken publicly about this at such a forum and I hope that it serves to help others even if only a small way- Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar South East London,  June 9, 1995 As I sit under the tree, hidden from all eyes…I wait….to go. I wait to die. Then it hits me…OMG. I really don’t want to die. What have I done? My head is swinging, fuzzy, I can hardly walk. But I barely make it up and up the hill…I see two young black men in the distance…they come towards me, I could only imagine they thought I was on drugs..I beg for help. My Angels.  I wake up in the hospital. This was me- 21 years ago.  In a fore...
Read more

Going into the unknown at the Indigenous Heritage Exhibtion 2024

Image
 (The Moving Circle of Artists' work is presented in the 2024 Indigenous Heritage Exhibition at Castellani House until 30 September, 2024. ) There was no print catalogue available. The QR code image was around, but I did not have the technology to use the QR code even with assistance of the attendants. I hope the organisers will put labels on the work items for viewers who cannot access the QR code. I apologise to the artists whose work I reference without the proper attributions Going into the unknown Place hot and I feeling a lil jumpy despite the yoga routine earlier in the day. Some unexpected challenges which pile up and then come in to chill out in the gallery and find that I have to do guess work on the art and so. Switch my mind, thinking yeah, go into the unknown.  NO titles to guide you.  Friends on social media had shared pictures of some of the most striking pieces so there is a familiarity in a way. And a helpful attendant shows the PDF on his phone to che...
Read more