Holding on to the salara and other things..


Salara is red there , in the case. I know I know.. I don't want you. The once slack pants waist is branding my belly now. The sugar is high.

I have to let go of you.. but is either you or replying to the random message 'I have no time for you I am busy' from the loved one who used to call on the way home and who said I was scary in my anger and who has been shunning me since.

Day starts good. I can't bend to do any of the yoga. Trying to focus on nice things. Some conversations start and my body tenses. I know I have to back down.

I see the message. I try not to read it. I breathe. I had hoped that the next contact would have been 'Hey.. are you free, I can come over now and let us talk'.

I know from a long time ago how much telling people that 'I am busy, I have no time' is hurtful. I learned how to explain and finding the time or finding ways to be helpful.  I learned from others of ways of making time.
I am grateful that I have never had to say I am busy I have no time for you to anyone who has asked when in need. Even if I was busy and I might have thought I had no time.


I read the message. There is the blow in the stomach. How should I reply? How should i reply so that I could keep things okay in a way? The message was probably not even for me, the way it was worded.

I let go though. I want to write about the distress of thinking I had done something wrong and there is no redemptoin.

I want to write that I have turned down work which might have involved seeing your face and the fear there, and the uncertainty there and the contempt which comes up because I think you keep wanting something which you would not tell me, but which I can't provide.

But I know, it will make no difference and resolve nothing.

But i find the Salara. I should not eat the salara. I should not reply. I should go and run or walk long .. get rid of the fat while also loosening the body and the soul. I will keep the clothes, I can't let go of the clothes which are now tight. I can't let go of the desire for the face to face chat, for the closure.


It is June, new month. I eat the salara. I laugh afterwards.  I delete the conversation so that I am not tempted to reply or write anything longer. There is no point .

I know I should not be saying anything, or asking anything.  The memories of another time, another shunning, same sequence of events from years ago.

I was not honest about how I was feeling. I feel more sick that I am not honest but being honest will also mean causing harm and that is not where I need to be with anyone.

So in the end, I delete the conversation history and I eat the salara.I could keep the conversation as a reminder that I should never have started this.. but I will let go and wish the best.



Work is to be done. Life goes on.  It might not be the life I wished for myself, but it goes on , I have to let go of that desire too to be on good terms with all the loved ones.

I have to let go of chasing salara too.. to feel good.

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