Old ways, new ways, old ways....

Day dawns with rain and I think right, chill out, do nothing as we have to do every now and then.. but then the Universe sends out its periodic reminder that doing nothing is a luxury and there is a lot to deal with.

And find myself resorting to behaviours I thought I could move away from and celebrate.. to be detached and deal with the challenges, to not say anything and to not beg, to not feel the body clench up at the arguments which should not be happening.

The promises of "I will stop.. " and "I will start.. " and "I will change.. " fall down like the flowers on the table but the flowers which fall are still beautiful unlike the promises which will no longer hold and I have to keep postponing the deadlines.

Early morning phone call reminds you of past failure. Anxiety as a thing which was planned normally is not working out and the tension rises to make sure that the task is delivered. Will they pay me back? Will I deliver on the other things I had hoped to deliver on?

Another thing for August and now the anxiety is there.. imagining all the possibilities and how I will manage them and hoping I don't fail either way. Should I just back out as other things come forward?

Strange how things change.. where things which used to be challenges, opportunities to break boundaries are now sources of questioning and angst and memories of the time when things which were difficult were a joy to deal with. Risks used to be taken confidently, now risks are avoided as there is so much failure around which has not provided lessons that seeking new failures is not a game. And it is not so easy to be detached from failure as it is to be detached from success.

Working on communication, and maintaining good relationships. wording sentences carefully and deleting messages instead of sending them  and then accepting that is better not to say anything, rather than to try to say anything as more damage could be done.

Wishing that I could find new ways of dealing with some of the old stuff, but the old ways just come back out of instinct and the old stuff is not dealt with the same ways.

In accepting the things which are not changing, and which seem to increase the decay, I learn to be grateful for small things. The small things don't last forever though like how some of the heaviness which prevent movement. 

And so going through every moment and thinking of the next thing and the next thing and the next thing and anticipating everything to avoid any further failure.