Writing around the gold leaf with tinges of red at dusk...

Woke up and said that today will be a good day. Doing the affirmation thing and so but that is not easy as thoughts of other days and nights keep flooding back.

Worshipped the sun on Makar Sakranti , remembering doing the surya namaskar even though the pain was there in the body and the sense not of regret of the past which is gone

Call at midday, a surprise call. Voice I love to hear but often not sure I should encourage because of all of the past and the complications but fortunately the Universe decides the space between the calls and I don't think any harm is done.

My head is out of kilter and I feel like I am messing up the conversation and not focussing on appropriate responses. Call finishes soon and I wonder if I messed up.
I feel nervous and wondering if I should message to apologise but memory tells me that would not really solve or help anything. Was I helpful? Was I useful? Should I have said that I can't talk now to avoid messing up?

Drink sweet tea with orange and clove and eat peanut butter and jam and it offers comfort for a bit. Body still feels restless coupled with guilt of indulging in the sweet when I had decided on wellness without sweet. It doesn't work.


Still thinking of the midday conversation and wondering about how it should have gone but time flies.

Another person asks 'How are you ? but I dodge the response so as not to get in to a to and fro .

Some work requests come in and I postpone them. I hate that. I am fortunate that there is space to postpone. Some of the work is from the past which I had wanted to leave behind.

Body feeling tense and so. Food is nice, but over eating means no time to try the stretches or full routine to release the tension caused by worry and stress.

Pacing does not help. Banana, passion fruit do not help but maybe they do or things would have been worse.

Managed some stretches and breathing and body seems to release. I mess up another conversation.

Moment to moment.  Dusk comes. It is nice the dusk, cool breeze.

I think I should write something to see if I could calm down.
But but no idea what to write because it is writing the same thing over and over and over again.

Finding the picture of what to write.. how to picture the dusk and the heavy feelings?

There is a dying lily , but the place is too dark and the lily is also dark and the background is not nice.

There are other leaves which look nice in the dusk.. slight red still bright.

Moving around the tree. There is another dying leaf, but it is gold, with a tinge of red and it shows up in the darkness of the other leaves.

The gold will turn to brown and then the leaf will fall off.

I am grateful to the leaf though for giving me something to write about.