The last of the chocolate for now...

Binging and hoping it would be the last time.. feeling sick after eating too much chocolate but the sickness after overeating is like feeling the physical illness which is the mental pain.

Another set of chocolate fortunately appears and I think no .. enjoy normally, a bit at a time, but there is no normal any more.

There is a  piece of chocolate left in the box, damaged after melting and remoulding  but giving a high and yearning for more.


There is privilege in being able to go out and buy what ever sweet junk is needed. Closest place to buy the junk is a place which sells alcohol and I keep thinking that it is a good thing I don't drink and that no matter how bad things get, I don't want to do drink alcohol.

Month of what I thought would have been rest ends up with me feeling worse than at the beginning. I know I could change this and fix this.

Things keep changing, up and down, flux.  Time flies. Feeling the shame which comes with cancelling one assignment after another - some paid and others unpaid because I can no longer switch and focus. Feeling the shame which comes from not being able to have sensible conversations and to be working on new things. Feeling the shame of not being able to adjust properly, of not expecting the pains which come from thoughts.

Trying to manage anger all the time because anger turned inwards adds to the harm.

Trying honesty though, and not masking though I wish I could be civil and have ordinary conversations.

Trying to imagine a path not to recovery because recovery is to an old self, but trying to imagine what health and vitality would look like now that everything else has failed.

Trying to figure out how to deal with the tenseness of the body, always on the alert, of the mind which fights with itself to not try to change anything which cannot be changed, but the mind which has been focussed on changing things so that things could be improved.

The chocolate is finished now. I am scared that I would go and keep buying more without resolving anything.  I know the chocolate disrupts the rest and sleep.

In between anxiety waiting for the next crisis, and then when it comes like a self fulfilling prophecy, working through it and feeling anger that I am not coping well and not responding with objectivity and compassion.

The sweetness of the chocolate lingers. Trying to eat it slowly .. and wishing that this would last longer than the other feelings of failure and inadequacy and anxiety and inability to fix any of them.

But the chocolate does not last long.

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