Holding up..

Sleepless and thinking I should go deliberately into the yoga pose called corpse as a way not to stop tossing and turning and thinking of calling the caller who had called when sleep was an issue.

Knowing that social interactions have to be managed, and that responding to 'How are you ?" without saying 'fine' when 'fine; is dishonest but also knowing that people not able to get into messy details which have no cause and no solutions really beyond waiting and which get some people frustrated because their way of solutions are not your way of solutions.

Holding up though is a mindful act of dealing with routine  Carefully though as carelessness could result if not thinking of the steps and if things go out of step, then more bad feelings could emerge from not being able to adjust.

So holding up also involves deliberately changing a routine thing, doing one thing differently as a way of being conscious that it is okay to adjust and to experiment and to feel success.

Holding up involves letting tears flow when they come and also drying them quickly so that the next action could be done and moving on. Holding up is hoping that the damn tears would come when they feel like they would come but common sense and other things hold them back.

Holding up is knowing that the caustic soda is there to clean the concrete, the flower seeds to be planted, the other thing to be assembled and not feeling bad about the guy I used to be who would have done everything first time and quickly.

Holding up is looking at the things which need fixing and looking away and saying it is okay, you cannot fix them.

Holding up is managing social interactions, is not calling anyone in case there are more mistakes made which under normal circumstances would not mean anything. Managing social interactions so that there could be some useful output quickly and that people could be pleased.

Holding up is learning to talk to yourself to talk things through and then to go to the blog, think of the image and to write some of the things . The other things which cannot be blogged go in the journal , but with grammar and so.. there is a kind of structure so there is no sense of falling apart.

Holding up is contemplating smaller crashes, breakdowns as a way to avoid a major collapse or breakdown whatever that is. Holding up is breathing and stretching when possible to make sure that the pains could be eased and don't add to the problems.

Holding up is laughing at the Universe which sends strange things my way when I want to withdraw - even though more mistakes are made, simple ones, at least some things are fixed and done.

Small tasks accomplished and the social interactions which have some output, even if a laugh or smile or one word thanks, are like the scrap metal and wood which give the illusion of holding up the fence structure, but the structure serves its purpose.

Holding up is not worrying about fixing what cannot be fixed.