The yoga of yoga with white lavender and cherry juice..

Body is in pain and work is to be done. The pain is from suppressed tears and anger . Another encounter and the reality of the reminder of why certain choices were made and that the detachment from expecting any results from doing those choices is very key.

But the tears come though.. and they go just as quickly. The rage remains.

Routine things are done mindlessly instead of mindfully as the mind wanders and the body keeps clenching instead of relaxing.

Decision though.. space is available.. go.. try the surya namaskar. It is temporary, it is not the full one since at every bend the fat at the belly and the waist crunch up and there is more pain .. reminder that healthy living is a wholistic thing and not bits of this and that.

Instead of crying or sitting still to let the pain go, see if stretching helps.

Om Mitraya namah  
White lavendar is supposed to be good for lifting the mood. Rub some on the palms and inhale deeply. The issue is not the vapour, but the breath. Let out the breath. Neck feels tense still.
Stumble on the first round the cycle.

Om Ravaye namah 
Changes are happening. Decision to be made on using savings to live for awhile to attend to the unwaged work. Trying not to think of those decisions as thinking of those decisions make the body pain more.  Palms no longer touch the ground as they used to but just the finger tips. The back does not raise up for the cobra as it used to but it raises. 


Om Suryaya namah       
 Detachment is important. Trying not to think of the things to detach from. Memories of the 'thanks for your support' messages from the loved one who calls sometimes and who I should let go of. Thinking of the 21 year old and remembering another 21 year old a thousand years ago , and thinking of the script.. the initial connection, my trying to keep distance while also trying not break the connection, the waves .. the crashing trough which is to come and which is inevitable and hoping that in the mess that I do not harm anyone but wishing not to harm anyone is not enough when love and like are involved.. the 21 year old from a thousand years ago receives accolades and I am grateful.. and I hope that this time.. long after the crash which is yet to come, that the same will happen.. 
 
Om Bhanave namah     


'You are not old' was the response to a request for a small shift, an accommodation because things are slowing up with me. I keep remembering that I should not ask.. but that is how these things go and that it has been a week of negotiating, of trying to hold back.
 
Om Khagaya namah   
Client says.. 'you have demonstrated good emotional intelligence' and I think of the irony of the cost. The nights are not restful, sleep is disrupted. The plans are all awry because of the inability to shift thoughts and plans. 

Om Pushne namah      
Slight nausea. Someone had told me that nausea during yoga on an empty stomach was a good sign, the body getting rid of the toxins. The thought of the body getting rid of the toxins means that the purpose of what I am doing is good . Nausea, like the other things,  is suppressed.

Om Hiranyagarbhaya namah 
Feeling tired.. but the tiredness is different. not fatigue, but exhaustion. Breathing deeply again and pushing.. feeling that this is halfway through.  Thinking of the work to be done and angst as one of the work is being done because there is no other work to be done

Om Marichaye namah
Back seems to be straighter , the more movement the more flexible. The man who does yoga had told me that the thing with the hatha yoga is not movement, but the holding of the poses and breathing. I try to hold and breathe.

Om Adityaya namah   
The white lavendar keeps fading .. maybe it is cheap. I rub some more. It has been months since I have come this far in the cycles.

Om Savitre namah       


I am going to finish. Can't move as quickly. I wish I could do three rounds of this like I used to.. instead of the 13. 

Om Arkaya namah      

I am not sweating as I used to but maybe the body has gotten used to the movements.  I wish I could do this every day as I used to.

Bhaskaraya namah  

One more to go. I stand up too long with my mind wandering again. As I bend down, the waist feels stiff again.  Feeling the despair rising which comes from feeling as though all efforts to move from the situation are not permanent but like the nausea, the despair is suppressed, disappears and replaced with memory of this is here and now.

Om Savitrah suryayaa Namaha
Finished. The b ody pain is there, different though. There is exhaustion which means deep breathing, but no clenching. Decide to go walk in the sun and go for cane juice. Somebody else had told me that cane juice is good for you. I imagine cane juice with the fertilisers and pesticides.. but yep.. good for me.

Mouth feeling good for the cane juice and mind feeling nice with the expectation of it and not thinking of the other things.

Cane juice man laughs - it has been a good morning. All the juice is done. He just has cherry juice.

I laugh to myself. Detachment from desires.  Take the cherry juice instead of the cane juice and think maybe the sodium benzoate preservative might help preserve the calm.

The purest detachment though would have been to not want the juice in the first place.