Yoga of cleaning again and again and again..

I realise that the last coping strategy is also not good for me and I could accommodate by doing what I said I would never say I would do. I stand in front of a group of people to do a thing at their request but they not really interested as their minds are on other things and the room is too comfortable.

I think.. come on man, find the energy.. and then the danger of how depression works is that instead of working on the energy , instead just work to end the event quickly and get out.

I respond automatically, instinctively to warning signs of escalation to abuse and violence and realise that entrapment includes me too and that I am lucky I am not using alcohol or drugs to escape. 

Sugar though.. too much sugar and fat.. a lot of fat each time I think.. this is the last.. I will recoup from now.. try to figure out how to restore the health.. but there is no such time coming . no way to make the healthy choices automatic and instinctive and coping.

 

There is a weekly thing though.. it is routine, it doesn't require much thinking. I think of other things as I move through... and put some order .. it is superficial because I realise that the order which should be there is not there but still.. it feels good that at least temporarily.. place is clean and that there is promise that anything else could be done now until the next time the place has to be clean.

But nothing else is being done and I keep trying to remember.. to drum up.. the motivation on the path to health in an unhealthy environment. There are so many ironies which keep coming.. blasts from the past in different ways and I keep thinking come on man,, stay in the present.